I had a fascinating conversation with Melanie Curtin that sits right in this impossible paradox: men are supposedly obsessed with their penises, yet carry profound shame about the most basic thing penises do. We live in a culture that simultaneously expects men to be sexual beings while making them feel fundamentally broken when their bodies respond naturally.
This conversation went deep into how much shame men carry around their bodies just doing what bodies do. We talked about the two types of erections, the constant tracking so many guys do from middle school onward, and how that shame creates this fundamental conflict with our own sexuality. What struck me most was realizing how boner shame is just this crystallization of so much bigger stuff around men's relationship to their own desire, their bodies, their sense of being okay just as they are.
The real work here is moving from shame to actually celebrating that our bodies are healthy and working. We talked about how the antidote to shame is always connection, bringing it out of the dark. For nice guys especially, there's this conflation that happens where sexual energy itself becomes bad, rather than recognizing it's what we do with that energy that matters. The shift we're calling for is from contraction and hiding to relaxation and trust, both in ourselves and in the people around us.
What makes this conversation matter is that when men can be okay with their own sexuality, when we can stop betraying ourselves to appease others, that's actually what creates real trust and connection. Our willingness to be in our truth, including being sexual beings, is a gift to the people around us.
If you're a man working on this stuff, stepping into more pride and less shame around who you are, check out what we're doing at Evolutionary Men. We do men's groups, trainings, and individual work to help you reclaim this part of yourself.
