Talking with Melanie Curtin reminded me why I love diving into topics that make people squirm a little. We explored polarity work and the real mess that happens when people treat these masculine/feminine concepts like gospel instead of the flexible tools they're meant to be. She brought such clarity to why this framework can transform heterosexual relationships when used wisely, but also why it becomes toxic when people get rigid about it.
One of the biggest issues I see is men thinking they have to hold the masculine pole 100% of the time. That's exhausting and frankly, not realistic. For just as many guys I work with, their growth edge isn't about cultivating more alpha energy at all. It's about learning to soften, rest, and take care of themselves. The real power is in fluidity, being able to move between energies as needed.
We also talked about the confusion between stage one narcissism and mature stage three relating. They can look similar on the outside because both have directionality, but what's driving that is completely different. True polarity work never means you always have to do a certain thing. It's not an excuse for poor behavior or ignoring boundaries.
The other thing I want to name is that every teacher, every system, including mine, has limitations. David Deida's work has been transformative for many people, and there are places where his personal experience shaped the teaching in ways that don't work for everyone. No map is perfect. These concepts are useful until they're not, and they need to be held lightly.
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Jason Lange: It can be really easy for people that read the way the Spearman me. Oh, I have to hold space no matter what, whatever fire she's bringing at me. And that's totally not the case. There is absolutely a place for boundaries and there is an absolutely a place to step out of polarity and just be like, no, this doesn't feel good to me.
Melanie Curtin: So before this episode, I wanted to share a quick celebration. This is actually not from a podcast listener or a client, but this is from a reader of one of my articles. I've been publishing more articles online and this is one. This is in response to one of the articles I recently posted about five things I look forward to hearing from my man. So if you're interested in that, you can just google that. It's up on Elephant Journal. And this is what this this reader had to say. I love that you prefaced the article with the past does not dictate the future. People really can change. My romantic relationships repeated an undesirable pattern. Once I realized there was a pattern, I dug deep to find out why. And once I found out why, which included working with the right mentors, I began actively starting to reprogram myself. My current relationship is great and feels so different than my other relationships. So much so that I was thrown off at first, almost scared or shocked. I had to intentionally actively recognize that I was experiencing what I had always desired. So of course it's going to feel different and then allow myself to accept it now. I can't believe I let myself go all those years accepting less. We live and learn and we really can make effective change. I just love that so much. We live and learn and we really can make effective change. I have seen it happen repeatedly. It's happening for people everywhere. It's one of the things that I love about the work that I do and just life in general is that the past does not dictate the future. We always have choice. We always have choice. We always have choice. So if you are interested in supporting the podcast and also joining our community, we do a live Q and A monthly for podcast supporters that join our patreon at A$10 a month level or more. If you want to do that, you can just go to Patreon Dear Men podcast, join at that tier and then you will be included in that. And there was another announcement I was trying to remember, but I'm forgetting right now. Well, if it comes to me, I will. I'll let you know. And you can always reach me @dearmen podcastmail.com. hello, and welcome back to another episode. So happy to have Jason back again. So good to have you. Thank you for being here.
Jason Lange: Yeah, I'm excited to be back. It's a juicy topic today.
Jason Lange: Yeah, I think, you know, whoever you are, if you're holding Alpha, one of the things that gives us the fuel to do that is appreciation. And so it's really hard to keep holding that and trying if we never get any kind of reciprocity of energy, which tends to come through appreciation. So if a partner is unwilling or unable to open to our leadership or never appreciates us for it, it will actually grind us down, whoever we are. And at some point we may feel resentful and not want to do it anymore. So then we can easily kind of slip out of gear into just more of a neutral, passive kind of place because it's like, well, I tried that before and it didn't do me any good, so why would I try that again? And that's a tender place to come to, come back from and to start to unwind. That, oh, that was. Maybe that specific person wasn't a good fit. There are other people who are going to be super grateful for even poor leadership. Right. Even if it doesn't go well, even if it's not perfect, just like, wow, I really appreciate how hard you tried there or how much energy you put into that. And that appreciation for whoever's holding Alpha tends to go such a long way. Just, hey, I see you're doing something. Thank you.
Melanie Curtin: That's a great way of putting it. I Think that's something that I've a strength of mine in relationship is appreciating and naming. When a man leads, even if he leads poorly, like you said, I recently had a man reach out and say, do you want to do something sometime? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I do. And it was like, it didn't need to be perfect. It didn't need to be perfectly phrased. It wasn't, you know, it. But what I appreciated was that he reached out to me. He reached out to me, he came towards me, he indicated interest, he asked. Right. And then, yes, he actually did propose a more concrete plan once I said yes, I would. But I really, I think I. I think I'm pretty good at naming and. Yeah, just naming and highlighting how much I do appreciate when a man come towards. Comes towards me and when he makes an effort. And I, you know, in relationship, I have often reiterated to men that have brought something up, saying, I really appreciate that you were the one to bring this. This thing up. You know, this was a hard topic for us, and I appreciate that you said, I want to speak to this. And I just, I think there's something really brave about leading. That's the truth. Leading is vulnerable, and it's one of the reasons why it's hard. Leading is vulnerable, and that's why it's hard. Sounds obvious, but I. I think that I do deeply appreciate men who are willing to. To lead and to go there. And one of the advantages, as we talk about in our program a lot, is that not every woman is going to be able to follow your lead. And the fastest way to figure out if she will follow your lead is to lead. To lead. Lead and see what happens. Lead and see how she responds. Lead and see whether you are appreciated or whether, you know, she feels appreciation or she expresses appreciation for. Of you. For you. I wanted to include one last. One last quote from this particular topic, which is this person was responding to the. What are some issues or problems that you found with it? And he said, I guess the thing about polarity that I recognize more than anything is there's many confounding factors. I described factors that had a strong situation, a strong influence on my situation. And the bottom line is we didn't really handle the stresses of COVID in a new marriage very well. I also recognize that you have to have a partner that is interested in nurturing the relationship. One of the things that I'm not fully sure how truly affects this is the longer the relationship is together, do some of the things that change. Do some of the things that charge polarity actually change? We all grow and change. Sometimes that growth changes dynamically as well. It seems easier to have polarity in a new relationship and much harder to maintain over time. Although I do get that it seems that some of the basic concepts are the same whether you've known each other for 20 days or 20 years. And I just wanted to throw that in there because yes, it often feels like it's harder to maintain polarity over time. There's a lot of natural polarity that happens early on in a relationship and then later on you have to cultivate it. You have to be willing to kind of water the garden. Right. And that's part of why we talk about polarity so much. Because we want to support healthy, successful, dynamic, sexy long term relationships. And knowing about these concepts and how to. I was going to say the word wield like, wield like power can really help, right? Can really help. And I, as someone who likes to hold omega in, in relationship, learning to soften my body, open myself, reveal my heart, hold that position. I am engaged as well. This isn't just all on the person holding alpha right? In a relationship, both sides, both parties can generate polarity. And the best circumstances are when we are both doing it, when we're both showing up for the conversation we're both showing up for, for the relationship. Any quick comments on that? And I have one more in this section.
Jason Lange: Yeah, I just, I, I kind of talk about this as the relationship inversion point, but any relationship starts with a certain preloaded amount of charge and then it wears off over time in that moment, the end of the honeymoon period, whatever you want to call it, a year and a half in hormones change. That's when polarity becomes the most important because then you have to have the tools to consciously generate it ongoing.
Jason Lange: Oh, tons on this one. So a couple of things here. One, the borderline narcissism at the first stage can look a lot like third stage relating. And the confusion between the two causes a lot of problems in the polarity world. Seen it time and time again. And there's actually a polarity of that, as I say, is, do women really want to be with jerks? No. I don't know a single woman who would say, yes, I want to be With a jerk. The thing is stage one, directionality of I go for what I want has direction to it. Just like stage three, I'm bringing direction to the relationship does as well. What's driving that directionality is totally different on the interiors, but on the outside it feels like, oh, this is a man who's in his power and moves towards what he wants. And so that's attractive to. To a certain extent. Right. So this, this problem is so real. And I think it's one of the things. You've done a great job on your show. It's starting to kind of bring some light to that. Yeah. Polarity is excuse for abusive behavior by anyone on any side of things. And true stage three, relating is this is. There's a little irony here, but it's never always. So it never means you always have to do this as a woman or as the Omega or you always have to do this as the alpha or the man or whatever that might be. It is more about we can both do it all. And so in a given moment we can choose to do something which is very different than the earlier level stuff. And how this ties into, you know, there's always a bit of the map maker in the map is every system, every modality is, you know, tends to be structured by someone who interprets these universal principles in some sense through their own bodily lived experience. And interpreting that part of their perspective always gets embedded. And so this is a deeper philosophical thing. But it's true here for a lot of people, their experience of polarity. Not everyone here in the west comes through David Data. And he's one man who interpreted these things in his way. I think they're genius. I'm grateful to be part of his lineage. And there's limitations in that because he's still a human being. So some of what his personal experiences are get mapped on there. And I think a little bit of this stuff gets mix up in there in terms of. It can be really easy for people that read the way the superior manned me, oh, I have to hold space no matter what. Whatever fire she's bringing at me. And that's totally not the case. There is absolutely a place for boundaries and there is an absolutely a place to step out of polarity and just be like, no, this doesn't feel good to me, regardless of what it does for our attraction or whatever that might be. And this is just something I've seen a lot, right? These manifestations of this idea that, yeah, no map is perfect. And these are useful concepts that need to be lightly held until they're not useful anymore. Right. So it's like, okay, again, like an 80, 20 principle. Here is often the case where just a 20 understanding and application of this stuff gets us 80% of the results. It doesn't have to be this rigid thing we're always doing. And it's important to know and to explore and to absorb these energies from other teachers, including teachers other than us. I have my own personal biases and manifestations of this work. You do too. We're not the end all, be all, say all. Neither are the creators of a lot of this work. And the more you can get exposed to, the more you can start to see that, oh yeah, from another viewpoint, what's actually okay over here maybe isn't okay. And I need to be aware of that. And it's just a, it's an important thing to really just be aware of as you go into this. Because again, when we learn something new and excited, there's this developmental capacity of we want to make it true all the time and spread it to the whole world. And it's useful. And that's where it kind of needs to live in. Oh, this is useful for me in my relationships. And if I hold to it too, with too much rigidity, it becomes a dogma and it doesn't become useful anymore. And in my interpretations of this work, I have to realize that it's. No one's expression of it is ever going to be perfect. There's always going to be mistakes.
Melanie Curtin: Yes. And I think the place that we'll wrap it here is that even with its flaws, we have seen tremendous growth in our clients. We have seen relationships get repolarized that had reverse polarity going on. We've seen closeness and intimacy and trust be built through polarity practices with couples. And there is a lot of good here. And it's, it's a, it's. It's not everything. It's something valuable. It's not everything. And it can be really, really helpful. So if you got something out of this or if you have any comments or questions, you can get [email protected] and if you're interested in working with us on polarity within your couple or as an individual, you can always go to evolutionary Men Apply.
