There's a moment in every man's life where he realizes that being "nice" isn't actually nice at all. It's in that uncomfortable recognition that I sat down with Melanie to explore one of the most challenging connections I've encountered: how Nice Guy Syndrome creates the perfect conditions for infidelity. This conversation ventures into territory that most men would rather avoid, but it's exactly the kind of reckoning that leads to real transformation.
We talked about how Nice Guys often abandon themselves in relationships, losing touch with their own needs and desires while constantly trying to manage everyone else's comfort. That disconnect shows up powerfully in their sexuality. A lot of these guys aren't directly connected to their bodies, their power, their sexual center. So instead of being direct about what they want, there's this delicate dance, these euphemisms, this sidestepping around desire. And that doesn't feel good to anyone.
What's really interesting is how this creates conditions where affairs become more likely, either by the Nice Guy or his partner. When a man isn't showing up in his power, when he's not advocating for himself or leading, when sex becomes negotiated or non-existent, the relationship starts missing certain nutrients. Sometimes that leads to seeking those nutrients elsewhere. We're not excusing it at all, but there are patterns here worth understanding.
The other piece we explored is how some Nice Guys will actually use affairs as a covert boundary. They're so afraid of direct conflict, so disconnected from their ability to say "this isn't working," that cheating becomes this sideways way of forcing a confrontation. It's deeply problematic, but it happens.
The good news is that men can shift this. When guys start reclaiming their power, setting boundaries, getting directly connected to what they want and need, everything changes. Their relationships often repolarize. There's this aliveness that comes back.
If any of this is hitting home for you, reach out. Whether you're dealing with the aftermath of an affair or just recognizing these Nice Guy patterns in yourself, there's no time like now to start doing the work.
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Jason Lange: Yeah. For all the examples, you know, we'll give and correlations, we've noticed there are plenty of couples who cheatings never happened. So I think that's kind of what we say. Just because this stuff is happening doesn't mean it justifies it or is the sole reason for it. But there's some patterns and tendencies that we've seen enough that we can make some generalizations to empower men as much as possible. And that's the goal for today.
Melanie Curtin: Yes. So let's start with men who are cheated on. So we've seen this. We've seen this a decent amount in our work. And there. And you know, there it crosses the range. Right. Like I said, in some cases it is emotional affairs. In some cases it is physical affairs. In some cases it is physical and emotional affairs. But can you share a little bit about the sort of felt experience of the men who've had this as part of their lives? I'm thinking, yeah, I'm thinking specifically about one of our men. But can you share a little bit about sort of some of the. The emotional impact that you've seen from this experience?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say it's generally quite devastating for men. Like, and not the sole reason, but for some men reason they finally reach out and get help in that. Like, wow, this. This thing I thought was one thing. My closest relationship is totally something different. And I feel betrayed, angry, devastated, and sometimes kind of lost and confused as to, well, and now what? Like, do I end it? Do I stay in it? What does it mean if I end it? What does it mean about me if I stay in it? And so there can be a pretty overseer sense of large overwhelm for the men. But I would say, yeah, oftentimes just a tremendous amount of hurt. And for some guys, even actually quite a bit of shame like that. The shame that this happened to me in my relationship. And like a lot of nice guys, sometimes even a tendency to kind of lay the blame squarely on themselves.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah, I. I'm glad that you spoke to that. And maybe this is a good juncture to just briefly talk about what we mean when we're saying the nice guy syndrome or being a nice guy. What are just a few relevant traits that you would add about what that means? What does it mean when we say. When we're talking about this?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I'd say nice guys are a version of codependence. So they, they have codependency a lot of Times. And what that essentially translates to is in, in their particularly intimate relationships. This really shows up in any kind of relationship. Oftentimes there's abandoning their own sense of self in order to maintain a relationship with someone else. And so what that often looks like is not having very strong boundaries, not being very good at communicating what they want or need themselves, having a hard, hard time advocating for themselves, having a hard time being in conflict, like literally just being in conflict with anyone, having, you know, opposing views. And there's often a, a lack of just directness with a lot of nice guys where maybe they will have wants and needs, but they're so afraid of getting rejected or making the other person uncomfortable, they won't ask for them in a straightforward way. And so they'll try to get them kind of around the side, as Dr. Glover calls the COVID contract. So it's like a implicit but not explicit agreement. We've nice guys make up in their heads that, oh, if I'm just super nice to you and I do everything you, you ask me to, then you're gonna just have to give me some back of what I want, even if I don't ask for it. And that's where a lot of nice guys can often carry a lot of frustration and resentment about the relationships they get in and can easily be taken advantage of emotionally, physically, financially. Terms of just their willingness to keep extending themselves for other people and not really advocating or setting strong boundaries and being able to say no.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. And the truth is couples are complicated. Couples are complex ecosystems. So I just want to be clear too, that having this conversation or driving this kind of thing, it can be, hey, we need help. We need help. And I'm going to do some research and I'm going to come up with some options. And that's the truth. So you don't have to know everything. The whole point of people like you and me, couples counselors, you know, honestly, people that work with mdma, with couples, for example, the guides and trusted resources out there are there for a reason. And. And they're not all good. Right. Like there, it's sort of like if I told you, oh, yeah, get your car fixed, go to any mechanic, you would have a sense that not all mechanics are good mechanics. Some mechanics are going to charge you a lot more than others. Some are more nefarious, some are going to take longer to help, et cetera. You have a sense that they're not all created equal. And I think that sometimes when it comes to mental health or support, we have this idea, like, I went to therapy and it's like we act like that's all the same thing. It depends on the therapist. It depends on the couples counselor. It depends on the guide that you get. But there are trustable guides. There are people that you can find. There is support that you can bring in. And I think particularly when it comes to couples, if you're feeling stuck, you might be stuck. Like you're not wrong. But not talking about the stuckness and not bringing in support to address it will have consequences. It will definitely have consequences. It might not be cheating, but I can tell you right now, there will be something. Something will happen. Something will shift. Yeah. So the last thing I wanted to say on this particular topic is. Yeah, just the compassion. Just bringing in compassion for ourselves, for our lineage. Right. Our parents, our grandparents. It's hard sometimes to carry the paradox of this person who was wonderful in so many ways and also this. Had this dark side or made these dark choices that it can be hard even in ourselves. Right. To. To reconcile that. Right. How do I sit with these poor choices I made? Right. These bad choices that I made? And bringing compassion to that whole process, I think is really critical in the healing journey and genuinely repairing. Genuinely repairing damage. So if you are someone who has caused harm by cheating or having an emotional affair, like, you can address that harm. Almost every mistake we make in life, we can address the harm and we can repair, at least attempt repair. Sometimes people aren't available for that, and that is. That is their choice. We need to respect that. But I think that, again, back to the sort of maturity. I remember one of my guy friends choosing to go back to a woman. He had kind of a questionable sexual experience with her. And he went back and he said, knowing what I know now, I think that you were in freeze. And I took advantage of that, and I'm sorry. And I think that is an act of love and a pretty impressive demonstration of maturity. And he was. He was crying when he did it. I mean, it was a whole. It was a whole thing. It wasn't as straightforward as I just phrased it, but he went back and repaired harm. And she was deeply touched. She. It really meant a lot to her that he was willing to be vulnerable in that way and really own his own. His part. And so what does that do on her side? It builds trust in men, not just with him, but, wow, men can show up this way, Men can repair this way. I didn't even know that was possible. So I guess I just want to make it clear that even if you. If you're listening to this and you've cheated. Let's say there is often repair that can happen and there is compassion to bring to the equation as well. Those are not irreconcilable. Any thoughts on that?
Jason Lange: Yeah, it takes, takes work. I mean it's kind of, that's where that confrontational tolerance comes in, is just the willingness to go into the unknown and as men, when it's on our side, own our side of the equation. You know, what kind of how some of our behaviors were conducive to whatever happened, whether we cheated or were cheated on. And, and just that, hey, but I'm here now and I'm willing to try to figure this out. And it's definitely possible. We've worked with people who have been able to come through that and make something work long term that creates even more love in, in connection in some pretty powerful ways. But it does take that willingness to really actively step in and own and be present. You know, some we, we often talk about, of, hey, let's actually talk about what happened or what's going on here and be willing to get outside support because it's, you know, particularly if, if it is some kind of infidelity to re. Establish trust sometimes takes more than just that couple. It takes a third party to kind of come in and help them and track them to make sure those same conditions don't spring up again. Right. That there's, there's someone else kind of looking out for their team. And if you're willing to lead that as a man, that can go a long way. You know, if you have a partner who's willing and open to that of like, hey, we need help. I realize that now.
Melanie Curtin: And sometimes, you know, what's required to repair is, is for a man to step up or a woman to step up and do their own work. So couples counseling is not a magic bullet. It's not like we're going to get together and talk about this and then everything's going to be better. Sometimes it's, yeah, the man isn't, hasn't been in his power and it's like, well, couples counseling isn't necessarily going to help you with that. Working with people like you and me, taking, doing men's work. Right. Taking other kinds of steps and actions can sometimes, you know, drive a lot more change. And I can't tell you how many couples, or I guess I'd say how many men we've worked with where the work we've done with them has generated more change and they're drastically more change in their relationship than couples counseling did. Because we're working with them on their nervous system and grounding into themselves and becoming more of themselves, bringing more of that alpha energy forward, which helps with everything in the relationship. And then she's able to respond to that versus just talking about it. So there is no magic bullet. And sometimes part of the solution is her doing her own work, him doing his own work and doing work together. It's not just doing work together. That's not, you know, it's not always. It just doesn't always work that way. But yeah, I, I wanted to just briefly wrap with, you know, this is a lot of what we do. This is kind of. This is a lot of the work that we do is we really help nice guys get into their power, step into their power, become more of themselves, root down and, and take control of their lives. And when I say that, I don't mean controlling life. It's not that you control life, but when you have that sense of agency, when you have that sense of, I am a person who can set boundaries, man, the way that life feels is so different, right? If you go in to the holidays, let's say having a plan, if you've got like a relative with borderline personality disorder, for example, and you have a plan, you're like, if this happens, I'm going to leave the house, right? If this happens, I'm going to go outside and call my coach. If this happens, you know, I'm. I'm going to make a different choice rather than I'm just on this ride and I don't really have control over it. And whatever happens, like, oh, your poor nervous system, of course you're going to be stressed out about going back into that house because you weren't safe originally. You're still not safe. Like, it's not a safe house. So I just, I think I'm sensitive to that because, you know, it is Black Friday today and a lot of people are going to be around bio family, either this weekend or coming up in the next few weeks. And I think that's. It's just, it's a, it's a potent time to talk about this topic of being in your power, which includes being able to set boundaries. Speaking of Black Friday, we do have a Black Friday special which I wanted to touch on briefly before we wrap. If you are interested in coaching with us, if you sign up for our program within the next week, you will get three bonus. One on ones with me, with Mel, and that is. It's pretty rare. So just throwing out there and the way that you would book an exploratory call is going to evolutionary men slash apply. And again, if you feel stuck, or if you have felt stuck, if you want a better relationship in your life than you have historically had, that is possible. And it doesn't have to be with us. You don't have to work with us. But I guess I just want to end with this is possible. We have seen lots and lots of men do it. It's not rocket science. You can make changes in this area and they can have an outsized impact on the rest of your life, because small changes now become big changes down the road. Anything you want to add before we close?
Jason Lange: There's no time to start like, now. As simple as that. The thing with most guys is we can always think of an excuse as to why we have to wait till tomorrow. But the truth is, some of these things you don't have till tomorrow. Like, you get. You just gotta start. You just gotta start. And we're a great way to do that, Sam.
