I just did an episode on Dear Men with Melanie Curtin about nervous system regulation in relationships. One of those conversations that felt really important, particularly for men who find themselves constantly trying to take care of their partner's emotional state while their own tank is running on empty.
We talked about what regulation actually looks like. Not the clinical definition, but what you can feel in your body when you're regulated versus dysregulated. When you're regulated, you're present, your breathing is deeper, your heart rate is calm. You're available for connection. When you're dysregulated, you're either shut down and collapsed, or you're wound up and anxious. Nothing works. Anyone who's been a parent recognizes this immediately in their kids, but we often miss it in ourselves.
The core tension we explored was this paradox. On one hand, co-regulation with your partner is one of the greatest benefits of being in relationship. On the other hand, if you're the only source of regulation for your partner, that's when things get lopsided. That's when the word "burden" starts showing up. I shared about being with a partner who had an autoimmune disorder and how, when she didn't have support outside of me, it started to feel less like connection and more like exhausting work.
What I've come to believe is that relationship requires a two-part commitment. First, you've got to be generous with tending your partner's nervous system. But second, and this is the one that gets missed, you've got to take care of your own nervous system first. You can't give what you don't have. Both partners need their own practices, their own support networks, their own ways of metabolizing what life throws at them. Therapy, men's groups, creative outlets, physical practices. Whatever it is, you need something outside the relationship filling your bucket.
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Jason Lange: Both partners kind of need to step into that because otherwise it does get lopsided. And one partner can often just keep giving and giving and giving and get burnt out or get fried or get resentful. But when both partners are making that good faith effort to take care of themselves, which, like you said, totally involves getting support outside the relationship. Right. Whether that's therapy, physical practice, men's groups, art therapy, dance, you know, there's so many different things, but. But our partner, you know, can't fill our bucket for us.
Melanie Curtin: Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another episode with Jason. Always love these ones. Thanks for being with us.
Jason Lange: Yeah, glad to be back.
Melanie Curtin: So today we're talking about something that's a bit sensitive, but it is a trend that has come up, I would say, for both of us in our love relationships and many, many of our clients. And this is what happens when your partner is dysregulated. And we're going to talk about regulation a lot this episode. So I think it might be worth just touching on what do we mean when we say regulated and what do we mean when we say dysregulated? So maybe we could start there. Would you like to just bring us in on what those two terms are talking about?
Jason Lange: Yeah. This is a big topic. Obviously, there's lots of different frames for this, but just at a nervous system level, you know, regulated is when we're relaxed and present and open for connection in a lot of ways. Our heart rate tends to be lower, our breathing tends to be deeper, and usually we're present in the moment, something we talk about a lot when we're dysregulated. Oftentimes we're either kind of on one or two poles. One just kind of shut down and turned off in a sense, not really any energy, not any engagement. The other would be too wound up. So actually anxious or highly reactive and energetic in a sense, but often in more in a state of kind of rumination, higher heart rate, kind of panicky is another way to think about it. And, you know, we can see this at least, I can see this obviously, a lot as a parent with a child, of when they're just like, too tired or they've been too stimulated. It's kind of the everything that might normally work, doesn't work, types of conversations or routines. It's just like nothing's working. And there's high levels of frustration or emotion that are dysregulated, you know, show point to signs of dysregulation versus, you know, when my child is regulated. Yeah. We can have conversations. They're open for connection, able to follow routine and tasks in order and whatnot. And that same process, you know, shows up for us as adults.
Melanie Curtin: Yes. And I also want to shout out creativity as an outlet and a resource and a way of regulating that humans have used for centuries, basically since the beginning of time. So, you know, you mentioned pottery briefly. I would also throw out guitar, singing. Bringing energy through our voice, writing, cooking can be a form of creativity. But whenever we're generating something, we tend to be moving energy through our body. Moving energy through our body. And we talk about this sometimes in our program. The difference between regulating strategies that involve consumption versus creation. So consumption involves, you know, Netflix games on your phone, porn, food. So things that are coming into the system, things that you're consuming either visually or in your actual body versus creating. So again, cooking something interesting or new. Can you think of more? One of our guys takes bagpipes, for example. So music, dance, anything where you're being creative with your physical, physical body or writing, anything where you're creating. Often we forget that in modern life we have. Often, often. I see. And myself included, that's not a go to for us. And I just want to say that is a very powerful regulating strategy and one that you can bring in that is low cost. Right. Where you don't need to. It doesn't involve a practitioner. And it can be part of the suite of things that help you in this regard to a place to take all of that energy and you know, angst or whatever it is that you're going through. A place to take it and move it and work with it and massage it and have it be, have it be more malleable than sort of stuck in your system or oh my God, I have to, you know, have a two hour conversation with my partner in order to move this energy.
Jason Lange: Yeah, totally.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah.
Jason Lange: For. With both partners to have some kind of creative outlet to metabolize Right. Another way to regulate is to metabolize. Right? Where you take that material and you transform it into something new. And that. So profound. And that's so healing.
