I had one of those conversations with Melanie Curtin on her podcast Dear Men that stayed with me long after we stopped recording. We kept circling back to this thing that's been showing up everywhere in my work lately: why is it so damn hard for men to simply ask their partners for what they want?
This is edge work for a lot of men, particularly those of us who identify as nice guys. We've spent so much energy making sure everyone around us is taken care of that when it comes time to ask for what we need, we freeze. Or worse, we try to get it sideways through covert contracts, building resentment when our partners can't read our minds.
We talked about the two-step process that has to happen first. You've got to be able to locate what you actually want in your body. Then you have to be willing to express it. And here's the thing that surprised one of my clients recently: when he finally made a clear request at work about how his vacation time was structured, his employer was thrilled to work with him on it. They wanted to keep him happy. The same dynamic shows up in our intimate relationships. Our partners often want to meet us, but they can't if we don't give them the opportunity.
Melanie and I unpacked the difference between sharing a need and making a demand, how to discharge the emotional charge before having these conversations, and why teaching our partners how to love us is actually one of the most generous things we can do. Not just for ourselves, but for them too. When we ask for what we need, we're giving them a chance to show up and meet us. That's where real intimacy lives.
If you're working with this edge yourself, or you want support building these skills in your relationship, check out what we're doing at evolutionarymen.com. Good work, man.
