280: How do I tell my partner I want something different? | Dear Men

Melanie Curtin: When you're sharing with someone about this, you can include I'm nervous to talk to you about this, or I've been avoiding bringing this up because I haven't known how it would go and because I don't want you to feel judged or whatever your truth is. Right. Hey, everyone. Before this episode begins, I just wanted to say a really heartfelt thank you. It was my birthday a few weeks ago, and I've been reflecting on my life, my world, what I'm up to. And I'm just. I'm really grateful for all of you, for my listeners and for all of my clients, for all of you men out there who've been brave and stepped into the work. You know, I really feel like I have a great life and I'm able to support people I respect and bring a lot of myself, my essence into the world. And that has not always been true for me in my past. You know, I have not always felt like my work was an expression and an extension of who I am. So I'm really, really grateful to all of you and all of you that send me notes and to Dearmen Podcastmail. I read all of them. I appreciate all of them. I'm listening. If there's anything that you are wanting more of or a topic that we haven't done that you're interested in, or just any comments or questions that you have, I'm here. I'm here. I'm listening. I love hearing from you. It brings me great joy to know that real people are listening to this and it's not just throwing something out into the void. So I appreciate that. And if you did want to go deeper than the podcast, you can always join our community, our Patreon community, which you can just find. Just Google Patreon. Dear Men podcast. We do a live Q A once a month with me. And of course, if you're interested in coaching, you can go to Dear Men or sorry, go to evolutionarymen. Apply. Sorry, Evolutionary Men apply. I got there in the end. But yeah, I just really wanted to say I'm deeply grateful. I was really nervous. I remember the week that I launched this podcast. I was so nervous and I didn't know how it was going to go, and I didn't know if anyone was going to take it seriously. And I just. I wasn't sure. And I feel like it's. It has flourished and that's because of you. That's because of you. So thank you for being a part of my life. Hi, everyone. Welcome back. Happy to have you back. Jason, you are such a fan favorite. Everyone loves your episodes.

Jason Lange: Glad to be here as always.

Melanie Curtin: So today we're talking about how to tell your partner that you want something different, which is tender. It's a tender subject and we're going to get into some personal stuff. So, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm looking forward to this. I think that this is a subject that a lot of people can relate to. Whether you're dating or you're in a long term committed relationship. It's challenging. It's fine when everything's going along swimmingly and you love what the other person's doing and they love what you're doing. And that's not when relationship is hard. That's not when dating is hard. It's when you are needing something else in order to feel valued or to feel loved or to feel safe. And there's something that, that needs to shift, especially on their part. That's when it's hard, that's when it's scary. So we're gonna talk about all of that and give you some practical tips for how to handle it and how to be skillful in this area and how to learn and grow in skills that you probably weren't taught in your family of origin. So. So yeah, I would love to hear just from you just a little bit about what you've noticed in terms of our clients and this pattern like what has come up for men around how do I tell my partner I want something different and then I have some thoughts to share as well.

Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say this is a, usually a pretty big edge for a lot of the guys we work with, which we often do work with. Kind of the typical nice guy, which has been talked a lot about on the show and defined by Dr. Robert Glover. And I consider myself one of those nice guys. And for nice guys, a lot of times we over index on meeting other people's needs. So kind of reaching across the aisle and helping make sure everyone around us is getting what they want or getting what they need. And for a lot of our guys, it can be much edgier and much more challenging for them to ask for what they need in a relationship or what they want or what they need more of. On a couple levels. One level, which we'll be talking about a lot today, of just how to actually bring that into the relationship and lead those conversations. And another level we also help guys with, of just being in your body enough to even identify what you want or what you need because it's kind of a Two step process. Right. You have to be able to locate it first and then you have to be able to express that to others in the relationship. And a lot of nice guys will often not be able to express that or have fear about expressing that and try to get it sideways through covert contracts or not get it and then start to get frustrated and resentful over time.

Melanie Curtin: Yes. And this, I think what I noticed in that moment, I think in particular listening to that client describe the situation and really describe his hesitations around the relationship, like, should I stay in this relationship? I'm feeling really unsure. I felt a little protective of her because maybe because I'm a woman and could identify, but I felt like if you end this relationship and don't tell her, you don't give her a chance to adjust, you take away her choice, she doesn't have the opportunity to try to adjust. And you might be really important to her. You know, she might be willing to make some big adjustments to keep you in her life. We don't, we don't know that. And it reminded me a little bit of, I have an acting background. And in acting, one of the things that they talk about when you're casting is it's not whether an actor nails the part perfectly on the first try. It's how do they take direction? That's what it's called in theaters. How can they take direction? How do they take direction? If you say, okay, can you try it again but be a little bit less sort of harsh and aggressive and more inviting in your delivery. Some actors, like, really can't do that. Like, they kind of got the thing they're doing and that's sort of just the way they do it. But some actors can adjust and will adjust and are Deeply listening to direction. It's a little bit like that. I think in relationship is part of what. Part of what you want to be tracking for in relationship is how does this person take direction? Are they willing to take direction from me? And that has two parts. First, are you good at giving the direction? That's a big deal. That is a big part of what we're going to talk about today. But the other part is, are they willing to take direction? Are they willing to make adjustments? Some people aren't. Those are the people that you end the relationship with. Whether it's because they're incapable or they're unwilling doesn't really matter. Right. It's like if you're looking for an available partner and someone isn't available, they want to be.

Jason Lange: They want to be.

Melanie Curtin: They want to be, but they're not. They're still not. So that's still a no. But if, if they are making adjustments, if they are able to take direction, that's a big green flag. And if you never offer the adjustments you need, you can never evaluate whether they can adjust. You never offer the adjustments, you can never see whether they take them. And I think that's what a lot of us do is we just never offer. We never tell people how we want to be loved. We never offer what we're talking about. And we're going to get to the three main reasons why we don't, which I think we'll get to next. But do you have any comments on that part of, of what we just talked about?

Jason Lange: Yeah, it. Right. The. The ability to respond and adjust. I mean, right. Whether it's in a relationship, whether you're hiring somewhere. Right. This is an important thing for employees. It's like, not that you do everything right. It's that when we give you feedback, can you adjust? Can you? Course. Correct. That's a hugely valuable thing in a partnership. And the willingness for both partners to try. To me, that's like green flag territory. Not that everything has to be perfect. It's not that you always get what you want, but there's a willingness to try to meet each other and try to make adjustments for each other. And that's the trick. You can't. You don't know if that's true if you don't try. Right. If you don't ask, if you don't put it out there. And that's where I think sometimes it's easy for. It can be an easy to self limit yourself in relationships because, oh, I never get what I, I'm Never going to get what I want from this person. I can't do it. So I got, I need to leave or move on or just suffer quietly versus the actually bringing it out there and asking, giving them an opportunity to meet you, which again, it's more vulnerable because of all the reasons we'll get into. But it's also way more likely to get you what you want. You know, that's just the honest truth. And the thing is, what I've noticed too in this kind of thing is it starts to generate reciprocity too when a partner is generous and makes an adjustment for us. Certainly makes me way more willing to try to make adjustments for my partner too, because I can feel there's like a good faith effort that we're both trying to meet each other in terms of giving each other what we need.

Melanie Curtin: That's a great point. So I'm going to give a specific example and we're going to start to talk about why. Why this is hard. Why is it hard? Why is it hard to say? I really love your undivided attention. I would, I would love for an adjustment to be made around the kids interrupting you when we talk. There are four main reasons why this is hard and I'm going to actually share my personal example and use that as a foundation. So a main adjustment that I have needed in I would say most romantic partnerships is around attention. So I need, I need attention. I need to feel that my man is asking questions about my life and cares about things that are happening in my life and asks a follow up question and asks a follow up question and is engaged in what's happening for me in my world. I have found that it has happened at least twice, maybe more, where I've been connecting with a man. We're dating, it's going well, we have good sex, we have pretty good conversation. But I don't feel known or I don't feel this what I'm talking about. I'm not, I don't, I'm not getting the attention that I really, really want, that I'm craving. And so instead of asking for it, I have left the relationship. So I've stayed for a while, you know, passively seen if it's gotten better, like quote, unquote, is it, you know, has it gotten better? But I haven't actually taken any action towards getting that need met from the man that I'm with. Why, why didn't I ask for that? The number one reason I didn't ask for it is because I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of needing attention. I thought that needing attention was selfish and wrong. So I craved it, I wanted it, I needed it. But I was also not really okay with talking about it, requesting it, making it known. It felt scary. I want to presence this one first because this is a hidden one that I think a lot of us. Again, it's really helpful to work with mentors, loved ones, emotionally attuned, aware, awake, people that know what they're talking about, because they can help you identify the need under the need. Right. So in my. In those relationships, I was aware that I wasn't getting what I needed, what I wanted. And what happened was there was just sort of this feeling of missingness. Like, I'm just. I'm not as bonded to you as I want to be. I don't, like, seem to care about you as much as you care about me. I'm a little confused as to why you're with me. Like, you know, it feels like you don't really know me. So, like, what are you doing with me? It must just be my body, which is probably not the case for either of the men I'm thinking about. I think they actually deeply cared about me, but I didn't feel deeply cared about, and I wasn't super aware of the way that I'm articulating it to you now. I couldn't have done that at the time. I didn't really know what it was that I needed, but I knew there was something, and I knew it was about questions. I'd gotten that far. I was like, I want you to ask me more questions. But I never said, I want you to ask me more questions. I just left. Right. And looking back, I feel pretty bad about that because I think that both of these men really would have wanted to show up for this. I think they really would have wanted to make an adjustment and keep me in their life. I really think that they would have. I think that they would have wanted to expend the energy on this. I don't think that they were checked out. I don't think they were like, oh, that's too much. Like, you know, you're asking too much. I don't. I don't think they would have done that. So the first main reason that this is hard is that if we hold shame about what we want or need, it's. It's going to be hard. That's the first reason. The second reason is we don't want the person to feel judged. So we'll go back to the. To the Client example. You know, part of the reason he had never brought this up with his, with his woman was he didn't want her to feel judged about her parenting style. He's like, I have a different style. She's got a different style. Everybody's style is fine. There's nothing wrong with her style of parenting. And you know, I'm really wanting that attention. I'm wanting that undivided attention. So a very top reason that we don't bring these adjustment things up is because we don't want the other person to feel bad or feel judged. Right. And again, I appreciated your point about we work with a lot of nice guys, we work with a lot of men who don't want women to feel uncomfortable or judged or ashamed or like they don't want their woman to feel bad. So they don't want her to, they don't want to hurt her feelings. And that's laudable, right? That's a good thing. That's, that's generally coming from a good place. And sometimes something else trumps that. Meaning if you're taking away her choice about you, if you're thinking of ending the relationship, for example, if you're, if you're thinking about taking away a choice, then it's not actually nice, it's not actually kind, it's not actually sparing her. Right. It's a, it's a different kind of hurt. It's not the kind of hurt you're thinking of, but it's a different kind of hurt. And then one of the other reasons that I, I myself have hesitated from actually communicating, clearly articulating this kind of thing, asking for an adjustment is I don't want the person to feel obligated. There's been a part of me that feels like, well, if I ask for this, if I say, like, I really need you to put more attention on me and ask me about like how I'm feeling, like how my heart is and really what's going on and then ask me a follow up question because I'm actually really talkative with my friends and I'm not that talkative with you. You know, like, I need more invitation in order to feel safe sharing and I really need to feel, I really need to share with you in order to feel close to you. I haven't wanted that to come across as you have to do this. You're now obligated to do this. This is a demand and not a request. And I think that a lot of us came from homes where our parents or caregivers gave us demands, they didn't give us requests. We weren't really allowed to say no. So it's really easy to kind of project that onto adults and, and, and think that if I make a request, they will hear it as a demand, they will hear it as a, you have to do this now or, or something bad will happen or I'll be mad at you or you know, something like that. So I think there's a little bit of a hurdle for a lot of us around trusting that our request is a request, trusting ourselves that it's a genuine request and trusting that they will be able to take it that way. And then if they don't, we'll be able to handle it like as a team, we'll be able to kind of work through it. Right. It's like part of why that's hard is because we've never really seen that role modeled. We don't, we don't see these, we don't see these adjustment conversations on tv. You know what I'm saying? Like, this is, it's hidden, it's behind the scenes, it's behind closed doors. We're trying to bring more light to it with things like this podcast because these are the relationship skills we were never taught. These were the relationship skills we never learned. And then the last reason this is hard is we are afraid of their response. So I am afraid that. I was afraid if I said, this is really awkward, I need to talk about something. I, I've realized that in order to feel close to you, I need to feel your attention. I need to feel attention from you and like really good questions about my life and then a follow up question and kind of attention to invite me out so that I can share. I'm afraid that the person is going to say, oh, that's selfish, right? That they're going to, they're going to shame me or blame me or they're going to say, or they're going to get defensive. Essentially they're going to get defensive. So they're going to say, well, why do you want that? Why do you need that? Like I've been, I've been doing that. Tell me a time I haven't been doing that. Tell what, What's a specific time, what's a time, etc. You get the idea. We are afraid that they will react defensively. And here's the truth. Sometimes they will. This is not an unfounded fear. Sometimes they'll react really well right away and everything. But sometimes they are going to have a response they are going to feel judged, they are going to feel guilty. They are going to feel, you know, they are going to have feelings. And that's part of why these conversations are complicated, because there is a reason we avoid them. It's true. Sometimes people respond really well the first time right away, and sometimes it's messy. And that's part of, I think, what we're going to get into, because just because it's messy doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It's. It's complicated and it's. It's worth it. It's complicated and it's worth it because as we said before, you really want to kind of know how they respond there. Like, this is. It's really important for you to know how defensive they actually get. How much is your projection or your fear and how much is actually is them. And so, yeah, that was a lot. I'm gonna pause. I'd love to hear. Hear your thoughts or what. What else you would like to add to this part of, like, why is this so hard to do?

Melanie Curtin: Yes, I love that. So if you are, if you do resonate with that and you are interested in working with us, you can go to Evolutionary Men, slash apply. And if you are interested in being a patron of the podcast, you can just Google Patreon Dear Men Podcast and join. If you join at a 10amonth level or more, you will get access to our live Q and A's each month month and help keep this podcast ad free and accessible to everyone. We'll catch you next time.