As a coach working with conscious men, I keep seeing the same pattern: guys who can talk for hours about emotional intelligence and healthy relationships, but who completely freeze up when it comes to actually claiming the woman they're with. That's exactly what I explored in my recent conversation with Melanie Curtin on her podcast Dear Men. We dove deep into this crucial distinction between claiming and committing, something that trips up even the most self-aware men I work with because they either don't understand how to do it or they actively resist it out of fear.
I shared some pretty raw stories from my own journey. Early on with my wife, I took her to a polarity night where we rotated partners for practices. I thought I was being cool and non-needy by giving her space, but I wasn't making it clear to anyone in the room that we were together. She felt totally unclaimed, and by the end of the night she was upset with me. That was a huge learning moment about the difference between holding someone in your awareness versus broadcasting that you're holding them there.
We talked about why men struggle with this. A lot of it comes down to not being connected to your own body, not having a clear sense of direction in your life, and not knowing how to have hard conversations. There's also this pattern I see where guys are afraid of hurting someone, so they keep one foot out the door. The irony is that lack of claiming creates way more hurt and confusion than being direct ever would.
The bumper sticker version: if she's guessing or you're assuming, you're not claiming. She shouldn't have to Sherlock Holmes her way into figuring out where she stands with you. And you can't assume she just knows you're into her because you showed up or because you're married. You have to keep showing it, day to day, week to week.
If you want help learning to claim the women in your life, whether you're dating or in a long term relationship, check out my work at evolutionarymen.com. We help men get embodied, get clear on their direction, and learn to show up with the kind of presence that creates real trust and safety.
