I had the honor of joining Melanie Curtin on her show Dear Men to dive into a relationship pattern that trips up so many guys. That feeling of "I can never get it right with her." You know the one. You're trying, you're showing up, but somehow it's never enough. She's frustrated, you're defensive or collapsed, and the whole thing spirals.
We got into the core dynamics underneath this pattern. The polarity piece, how criticism often masks a deeper longing for connection and trust. The ways we can accidentally put our partners back in their masculine when we're constantly asking them to direct us. And yeah, how this links to our own unprocessed shame from childhood or past relationships that gets triggered in present moments.
What struck me in this conversation was how much of this work is about building capacity, both to lead and to receive feedback without collapsing or getting defensive. We talked about the importance of real-time revelation versus stockpiling grievances. And the hard truth that sometimes the most generous thing you can do is exit a relationship where there's no winning, particularly if you're dealing with BPD dynamics.
The other piece we explored that feels critical is how a feminine partner opening her heart, even when it's painful feedback, is actually a gift. She's revealing because she wants more connection with you, not because she'd rather be with someone else. That reframe has been huge for me.
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Jason Lange: Yeah. Downward looper.
Melanie Curtin: Vicious. Vicious cycle.
Jason Lange: Vicious cycle. There we go.
Jason Lange: Yeah.
Melanie Curtin: So, yeah. As we sort of start to wrap up here, I'm wondering, is there anything else that you can kind of speak to around what has helped you kind of show up in this middle way? And of course we're all still learning and everything, but I really liked what you said of framing it as. She's telling me this because she wants us to be a strong couple. She's telling me this because she wants to be close to me. She's not telling me this because she wants to go off and be with someone else. It's because she's invested here and she wants us to work. That feels like a powerful frame. Is there anything else that you found kind of helps helps you in that finding that middle way?
Jason Lange: Yeah, all the work we kind of just talked about in terms of doing inner work work, but I would also say outer work. And what I mean by that is just like taking care of self, getting of sleep, eating well, working out is what allows me to be present in my body for that feedback. Right. Again, sometimes the worst place I've I've been in is when I'm already wiped or drained and then she's coming at me. Then it's just like, ah, there's just already nothing in the tank and now you want more, more. So me learning to expand my tank like I have a bigger gas tank now than I did two years ago. 100. I'm taking better care of myself. So there's a way I can be more present with my partner in these kind of conversations and not collapse. And.
Melanie Curtin: The.
Jason Lange: The feedback piece from other men, I think is really important as well. Or trusted third parties. It doesn't even necessarily have to be, you know, other men. Like, I learned a lot going to couples counseling. I've learned. Learned a lot being in men's groups with older peers in particular, who have helped me dial in. So my own intuition to. To be able to trust and know when like, oh, yeah, this feels right. Yeah, she's right. Like, I did drop that, and there's no excuse, and I just need to honor that or that sometimes. Like, yeah, no, this doesn't feel right. Like, this actually doesn't feel entirely like my thing here. Like, other men have sometimes helped me dial that in and learn to trust that. So sometimes I can. I can push back a little bit or push back on the tone or things that I couldn't afford. That's been super invaluable. You know, as a kind of more nice guy on the shame side of the spectrum, like, learning that it's not always me has been a huge thing to just, like, relax into that of like, okay, this isn't always me. I think the last thing I'm thinking about here that just struck me here, I'll just share quickly. Is the. Is also the ability to discern and be aware of. Even if I didn't intentionally do something, it can have an emotional impact on my partner. And it took me a long time to not just try to explain why she was wrong of like, well, you don't understand. That wasn't my intent or I meant to do this or it was an accident, which doesn't really matter nearly as much as just honoring the Wow. I. I can totally see, like, that wasn't my intention. And I'm really getting. Like, this was devastating for you. And I'm sorry. Like, I'm sorry for that. You know, I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. Like, not in a condescending way, but like a realizing there's an emotional impact there. Even if I didn't intentionally go for it or it wasn't out of malice or something like, that has been a total game changer changer. And just being able to acknowledge that for me and for my partner without again, always having to go into, like, defend and explain and give a reason why, but just, like, why. Yeah, that I realize, you know, I want you to know that wasn't my intent. And I'm really getting, like, you feel really hurt about that. And I am committed to, like, how can we rewrite that script moving forward so that doesn't happen again?
Melanie Curtin: I really appreciate you bringing that up because that difference between intent and how something is received is sort of the essence of empathy. It's the essence of it. And I loved what you said about. Oh, I can. I can see how. How that. How you took it that way. I. I can see that that is deeply soothing to me. I find that very soothing because I think women. I think as women, we have been told that we are too sensitive or too emotional or hysterical or. For centuries. Right. So we're holding a lot of that tension in our bodies, and it's been passed down to us generationally, so we've been invalidated a lot. And so to have someone say, oh, yeah, I can see how you would feel that way. I can see how you feel that way. I can see how you would feel that way is validating, even if you wouldn't feel that way about it. You saying, I can see how that landed that way, and I'm sorry, is soothing. And I think, kind of to your point, it doesn't need to be much more elaborate than that. I do like the like. Yeah, let's. Let's figure this out. Let's figure out how we can do this better next time or how, you know, let's workshop it or brainstorm or. I think that's a part of the equation that when we get derailed by a shame spiral, when we get derailed by stonewalling or the silent treatment, or when the completion of the repair doesn't happen frequently, we don't even get to the brainstorm part of, like, how do we do this better next time? Because we're still in the first section of the fight. And one thing in working with couples that I've seen is that as they get more skilled at repair, they get more skilled at the brainstorming of, you know, diffusing or smoothing things out or catching things sooner, to your point. And. And it. And it works. It actually does work. Right. Figuring out, you know, one of our men made a really good point about noticing that this pattern often arose when they hadn't seen each other for a few weeks. So he was in a bit of a distance relationship. And it's like, okay, clearly there's something in our connection where we need to feel more connected. If we're going to be apart physically, then what can we do? How can. What are Other things that we can do that have you feel cherished. Right. That, that we can bring in intentionally to help with that feeling. Because when the feeling is there, when I feel seen, when I feel cherished, when I feel adored, when I feel met, I don't feel pissed. Like it's like, it's sort of like you said, you know, when the tank is full, then the problems aren't happening as much. So let's, let's think about this. Let's brainstorm what would feel good. And there's a spirit of exploration rather than you're always getting it wrong and you know, so I think there's value too to having those meta conversations which can only really happen if you can do the first part of repair.
