There's this moment about twenty minutes into my conversation with Melanie Curtin where I stopped mid-sentence and said something that surprised even me. We were talking about how to tell if a woman is interested, and I found myself saying "Look, if you're asking that question, you're already in the wrong headspace." The silence that followed told me we'd hit something important. This whole topic of reading interest reveals something way deeper than just dating anxiety.
We got into the whole confidence trap. You know, a lot of guys come to me saying they want to be more confident with women, and I'm pretty direct about this. I think confidence is bullshit. What confidence really means is "I want to know the outcome so I don't have to feel vulnerable or uncertain." That's not what we need. What we need is the capacity to lead with what we want, put it out there, and see what happens. That vulnerability, that's the real skill. That's what's going to serve you on your first approach and 30 years into your marriage.
We also talked about those "super crush" patterns, where you're obsessed with someone from afar but never actually make a move. I definitely had my share of those. What I realized later is I was stuck in this grade school energy of wanting to know she liked me before I shared that I liked her. And that pretty much never works. The truth is, your clarity is often what triggers her clarity. A woman will drop handkerchiefs, leave openings, but if you don't move, that window doesn't stay open forever. Your job is to notice what you want, put your attention on her, and move your body. Literally just move and figure it out on the way.
If you're struggling with this stuff, particularly if you're a late bloomer or haven't had a lot of dating experience, I work with men one on one and in groups on exactly this. Getting into your body, learning to notice openings, building that muscle of taking action even when you don't know the outcome. Check out evolutionarymen.com if you want to talk.
