Here's a counterintuitive truth that emerged from my recent conversation with Melanie Curtin on her podcast Dear Men: the moments when your partner is succeeding while you're struggling aren't relationship killers. They're actually some of the most fertile ground for genuine masculine growth, even though they feel like absolute hell when you're living through them.
This one hits deep. It goes straight to our sense of worth as men. I've been there myself, feeling like dead weight in my own relationship. You've got this vision with your partner, things are working, and then you're the thing holding it back. That's brutal.
What I shared is how withdrawal was my pattern. Just disappearing into myself, not even talking about what was hard. It took Violet really presencing it to draw me out. And what she needed wasn't a full download of everything. Just enough. I remember once just turning to her and saying, "Yeah, I just feel like I'm losing right now in everything I'm doing. I want to be winning, and I just feel like I'm losing. And that really hurts." That was it. That completely relaxed her nervous system.
We talked about the difference between feedback and direction. I'm totally open for feedback, like "I can't feel you right now, I'm feeling sad." But not direction, like "why don't you just do X or Y." Because usually, I've thought of all those things. The ideas aren't the problem.
The other piece that's been game changing is having resources outside the relationship. Men's groups for me. A place I can go collapse and be held, where some of that energy can move. That's what allows me to come back to my relationship and share the right amount, not too much, not too little. And it keeps the relationship from becoming all processing, which kills polarity.
If you're navigating this, you're not alone. Get some help. Join a men's group. It's an investment in yourself, your relationship, and your future.
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Jason Lange: Into your, your relationship. I mean a relationship in the way I think we see it is, is only as robust as the system it's embedded in, right. If it's the sole component, it's. There's just a lot that can go wrong. Now I'm not saying it can't ever work, but it puts a lot of stress on it. A lot can go wrong and, and the more both parties are embedded in healthy systems beyond the relationship therapy, coaching, men's groups, activities, passions, all that kind of stuff, the healthier and the more robust and resilient that system is going to be and you just need it, right? Like otherwise relationships become codependent or over processing. Right? Where it's just then we're processing every single thing with each other. Which again, you know, it can be great when your partner is your therapist or your main support, but rarely then are you fucking each other. Like just. That's the truth. I've seen over and over and over again when relationships get too processing oriented. So guys, one way you can think about this is it's just you're just kind of like offloading some of the processing from that component so there's some energy and space for your relationship to have other things happening in it.
Melanie Curtin: Like sex. Yeah, yeah. What I was speaking to of yeah. Attraction, polarity. You know, one thing I've noticed has helped me in terms of this is when the man explicitly says like here's what's going on. I Feel down about this and that, you know, kind of telling me what's going on and then saying, and I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. Like, I am figuring it out. I am finding the resources I need. I am taking care of myself. And that's what I've noticed is that that awareness of, I am taking care of myself, I am putting attention on that. I think when men are really unconscious and sort of fused with this dynamic, they aren't really taking care of themselves, and they don't really have an awareness of what that is. And that feels very out of control to me. So then I'm like, okay, I don't really know that you even have a plan. And, you know, and having a plan doesn't necessarily mean I know exactly what I'm going to do next. But my plan is to go to men's group this week. My plan is to exercise three times. My plan is to see my therapist again that I saw last year because that was helpful. My plan is to get some resources in here and to get some help. That's a plan. It doesn't necessarily mean you know what you're going to do for your job next, but you know how to take care of yourself. And you are doing. And I've witnessed many men who. I'm like, I don't trust you to take care of yourself. I'm not seeing you taking care of yourself. And that's the scariest part. That feels out of control to me, and that feels like that's not attractive. I don't want to. I don't want to. That guy versus the guy who's like, you know, I'm feeling down. Um, but here's what I. Here's something I did. Like, I went, like, I went for a long run today, or I, you know, like, it's like, oh, cool, there's a consciousness online There. There's someone home. There's. He. He has his awareness on this. He is. He has his attention on taking care of himself. There's something very soothing to me about that. I feel soothed. I'm like, okay, I can kind of like, take. Take a load off. And I think that's common for a lot of women. I think it's extra true for me because of the way I was raised. I think my mom did make me responsible for her emotions. So she was down. She expected me to. To be. To drop everything and take care of her in a way. She wouldn't have phrased it like that, but I was Trained to do that. And so for me, it's soothing. And I think a lot of people, when it's like, down. I'm also an adult.
Jason Lange: Yeah, totally down.
Melanie Curtin: And I'm also an adult. So there's a consciousness that's here and present and aware and tracking and you don't have to do it all. You don't have to take care of me.
Melanie Curtin: Well, it's interesting because that capacity that you're pointing to of a deeply present and attuned man, I think the analogy with exercises is pretty good. Which is if you work out and you get strong, then when you need to lift that weight, you can. But if you're not strong enough by that point, you can't. If you haven't developed your capacity to hold space and presence, you can't just do it one day. But that building it up over time, oh, it's such a gift. It's such a gift. I know exactly what you're talking about of that. Just, like, coming over, just being with me, I'm like, oh, then whatever comes, needs to come, right? Whatever needs to come comes in that moment. Because it's a little bit like you are the sun and I'm the flower, and the flowers like this sun. Oh. And it's not a different flower exactly, but different elements of it are blooming because there's sunlight. So that's. That's a huge gift. And I think that's one of the things that has been really thrilling about watching our clients undergo that shift and expanding and becoming more present, grounded, attuned men in the world. And is that the women in their lives flower and blossom in different ways. And they're like, whoa, I'm having dating experiences I've never had before. And we're like, yeah, because you're showing up differently. You're different now, so you're having different experiences. And they're like, this is way easier. This is a lot easier, better than it was. And that's. That's just. That's a joy to witness. Because that, for me, as a woman, I think part of what's so gratifying about it is I love seeing our men have success, but I also love knowing that women in the world are being served and are having great experiences with our men. So there's a double, virtuous. Virtuous cycle happening there. So any. Any last. Any last shares before we wrap?
Jason Lange: You're not alone. You know, I think everybody's navigating this in large ways in the world right now, and that it's. It's. It's very much okay to get support and get help in that. It's, as I've been saying a lot, creating these types of male relationships and men's groups. It is an investment in yourself, your relationship, your family, and your future. Like in the. The dividends go up over.
Melanie Curtin: Well said. And if you are interested in our work, you can go to Evolutionary Men Training and take our free training. If you've been looking for a way to go deeper than the podcast, that's a good way to do that. That's Evolutionary Men Training.
Jason Lange: T.
