Here's a counterintuitive truth that emerged from my recent conversation with Melanie Curtin on her podcast Dear Men: the moments when your partner is succeeding while you're struggling aren't relationship killers. They're actually some of the most fertile ground for genuine masculine growth, even though they feel like absolute hell when you're living through them.
This one hits deep. It goes straight to our sense of worth as men. I've been there myself, feeling like dead weight in my own relationship. You've got this vision with your partner, things are working, and then you're the thing holding it back. That's brutal.
What I shared is how withdrawal was my pattern. Just disappearing into myself, not even talking about what was hard. It took Violet really presencing it to draw me out. And what she needed wasn't a full download of everything. Just enough. I remember once just turning to her and saying, "Yeah, I just feel like I'm losing right now in everything I'm doing. I want to be winning, and I just feel like I'm losing. And that really hurts." That was it. That completely relaxed her nervous system.
We talked about the difference between feedback and direction. I'm totally open for feedback, like "I can't feel you right now, I'm feeling sad." But not direction, like "why don't you just do X or Y." Because usually, I've thought of all those things. The ideas aren't the problem.
The other piece that's been game changing is having resources outside the relationship. Men's groups for me. A place I can go collapse and be held, where some of that energy can move. That's what allows me to come back to my relationship and share the right amount, not too much, not too little. And it keeps the relationship from becoming all processing, which kills polarity.
If you're navigating this, you're not alone. Get some help. Join a men's group. It's an investment in yourself, your relationship, and your future.
