Here's the tension that tears at the heart of modern relationships: we're more connected than ever through technology, yet men are telling me they've never felt more disconnected from their partners. In my conversation with Melanie Curtin, we explored this paradox that's showing up constantly in my work. Men aren't primarily struggling with frequency of sex, they're devastated by partners who are physically present but emotionally absent, going through the motions without真æ£çš„ desire or openness. It's a unique kind of loneliness that happens right next to the person you love most.
We covered a lot of ground in this conversation. The reality that polarity naturally drops as relationships get more committed and you're spending more face to face time managing life instead of relating. How kids fundamentally shift the dynamic from being a couple to being co-managers. The fact that our culture gives us zero tools for what happens after the "happily ever after" part, which is when the real work actually begins.
One thing I want men to understand is that wanting sexual connection with your partner is not shallow. It's not just about getting off. You want to feel her open to you, trust you, want you. That's the nutrient. That's what feeds aliveness in the relationship. And when that's not happening, it's rarely just about the sex, it's usually pointing to deeper connection issues, resentments, or patterns that need attention.
The good news is this stuff can shift. Sometimes dramatically. I had a guy recently do one simple presence practice with his wife and she told him, "I didn't even know you could give that to me." Something in her relaxed because she suddenly felt held in a new way. That's possible for a lot of guys, but it takes work, it takes learning some actual tools, and sometimes it takes getting help together.
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Melanie Curtin: But he never came to her and said, I'm concerned about our marriage. I'm scared that I'm either going to cheat on you or I'm going to leave. Because this is such a big deal to me. I really want us to get sex therapy. This is a core value for me in relationship. I need this. This is not a nice to have over here on the side. I feel some shame around saying that to you. I feel like I'm maybe disgusting or a pig or I want sex too much. And the truth is I want to be a good. I want to be an integrity. I don't. I don't want to cheat on you. I don't want to leave you. I want this marriage to work. And for that to work, this is a need that I have. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode. I'm so glad to have Jason Lange back with me today. We are talking about a pattern that we've seen pretty consistently in our work with our clients, and it's around wanting to feel closer to your wife. So we've talked to a lot of men who've talked about, you know, it's about the sex, but it's not just about the sex. Right. We're not having sex in my relationship. I miss sex. And, you know, I think a lot of those men have also sort of been shamed for that. If you're just interested in sex or it's all about the sex for you, when really it's about more than the sex. It's really about closeness and intimacy. Not just physical intimacy, but the feeling of closeness, the feeling of being held, holding warmth, love, the expression of love through the body. Again, not just sexually, but cuddling, closeness, touch, affection, all of that realm of things. So, yeah. Can you speak a little bit to the kinds of things you've heard from men kind of coming in with this on their heart?
Jason Lange: Yeah. There's a context of growth for the relationship that we're just continually moving towards more with each other, more connection, more wholeness, more polarity.
Melanie Curtin: And you've said it before, you know, in. In your relationship and others, sometimes leading is okay. We need to see. We need to see a skilled couples person. Like, we are stuck now. We. We have hit an impasse. We are both trying as hard as we can. We're stuck. We need another person in the room. And that is leading. That is fucking leading. Leading is not figuring it all out yourself. That is not leading. Leading is attuning to the moment and bringing in what is called for in that moment. And sometimes that's help.
Jason Lange: Yep. Professional help workshops, getting outside forces involved, which the leadership is knowing, hey, I can't lead us through this. I don't have the tools or equipment to do that. And I want to. So I want to get us help to guide us on that. That's such a powerful move in a lot of ways that men shouldn't be afraid of or, hey, I learned something. And now I want to go educate myself more about this experience we had last night or something like that. That's still leadership. A willingness to learn and try to get better and iterate with each other on both sides. And so it's, you know, it's actually a process of imperfection that you stay connected through. That makes for an awesome relationship when it works.
Melanie Curtin: Actually, that's a good way of putting it. And I also been really uplifted by men that we've worked with. There have been several men like this who've come and said, I'm here because my woman has been doing a lot of work on herself, and I am invested in our relationship, and I know that I need to grow. I just know it like, she she's really showing up. She is doing. She is doing the thing. And I see her investing and trying and growing her side and her half of the equation, and it inspires me. Like, I want to do that, too. I want to show up for her because she deserves it. I've just been in awe of men like that and just I look up to them. I feel like that's such a generous and, yeah, just it's such a giving thing to do. And it's really warmed my heart.
Jason Lange: Yeah, it's so awesome when those guys come to us. And it's such a great example of that same context of growth. Like you said, it takes two to tango. And sometimes you have to practice together and sometimes you have to practice apart. And it all works a lot better when you're doing both. When you're practicing apart and doing your work and doing your healing, and then you're coming together to practice and do your work and doing your healing. And anytime there's just one person and not the other, that's where we've seen people really get stuck sometimes, though. Sometimes, not always, but sometimes the. Well, I'm just going to go first. I'm going to go first and take responsibility and start doing my healing work will create enough of, like, an energy differential in the partnership that the other partner will start to step into that space like some of those men have. And we've also seen in the other direction as well that some. Some women are like, yeah, okay, no, this feels good, and I'm excited we're doing this. And I do think I need to go see someone or go join a women's group or go to our program or kind of get some of my energy moving in different ways so I can be more available to you and what you're trying to bring to us.
Melanie Curtin: And I think that's such a beautiful synonym for leading is being willing to go first, being willing to go first, being willing to bring up the hard thing, being willing to name. We don't have enough time for each other. We might need to move. Right. We might need to make a big lifestyle shift so that we have time and energy for each other. You know, it's. To your point, it's like it's not always the same thing that's needed in different seasons. It's something different. And that's kind of the whole point of being attuned to each other and being attuned to life, frankly. Which is. Which is part of, to me, why practices are so critical. Right. Practices and meditation practices of breathwork, all the practices we talk about. It helps us stay connected to life and guidance from life. And to me, that's what's trustable about my man. That is why I trust his lead, because he's connected to something greater. It's not just coming from his ego. It's that I trust. You are leading us because you are listening to what is greater as well. You are. You are being guided by a greater force. So in a way, you are following life and you are leading us from that place. That's what's truly sexy. And that's, you know, doesn't have to be complicated. I'm thinking about, you're in a really loud place with someone you're on a date with, whether that's your wife or whoever else. It's really loud. You can't hear. It's not fun because you can't hear. And you say, you know what? We're leaving. I'm taking us somewhere else. I'm taking us somewhere for dessert where we can actually hear each other. Because I want to know what you have to say that is leading. It doesn't need to be big and elaborate. It's just what is called for in the moment that will bring more connection and closeness. So, yeah. So as we sort of start to wrap up here, I'm curious if you just have any sort of favorite, I don't know, success stories that you. That come to mind for you around this?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I'm actually thinking of one. One from a couple weeks ago. I had a session with a guy, and we were talking about a lot of this stuff and being the one to initiate that and the structure. And I gave him a very simple practice. Very simple practice. One of the most simple ones we'll often have guys do. And he did it the next day. He texted me the day after that, and he was like, oh, my God, it totally worked. And what she said to me was, I didn't know you could give that to me. I didn't even know you could give that to me. And, like, he gave her a type of presence and connection that she had been longing for and didn't even know. And so for her, something started to relax that, oh, my God. Wow, he has that capacity now. He's going to be held to a higher standard because she knows he has that capacity now, and that's a good thing. But that was such a. Such a potent one. And it just took less than 20 minutes. Less than 20 minutes between these two had been. They weren't married, but they ended up dating for about a year and had really had some struggles around sex and connection and stuff.
Jason Lange: Don't.
