What happens when the very patterns that helped us survive childhood become the exact things sabotaging our adult relationships? I was on Melanie's show diving into something that still hits me in the chest when I think about it: how our attachment styles shape everything in our partnerships. We went deep into emotional neglect and the invisible patterns we carry from those early years, exploring how what once protected us now creates distance from the people we love most.
What really stood out was talking through the three main patterns we see with the men we work with. The anxious attachment stuff, where guys get totally enmeshed with their partners and can't be okay unless she's okay. The avoidant patterns, where there was involvement from parents but zero emotional attunement, so you learned to just handle everything alone. And the disorganized attachment, the invisible child experience, where you kind of just existed in your own bubble because nobody was really tracking you.
For me, this is deeply personal. I shared about that moment working with one of my mentors where I hit the floor weeping, my voice cracking like a child, saying "hold me." That was the first time my body went there, the first time I actually felt the impact of growing up without physical touch or emotional attunement. It changed everything for me in terms of understanding my patterns with women, with intimacy, with even just asking for what I needed.
The other piece we got into was the still face experiment and how kids respond when connection gets removed. They try to re-engage, then they get stressed, then angry, then they start to collapse and self-regulate however they can. When that pattern gets perpetuated, the light just goes out. A lot of us are walking around with that light dimmed, not even knowing what we need because we never learned to ask.
The way through this stuff isn't quick. For me it's been therapy, somatic work, and honestly men's group was probably the biggest training ground. Having a place to practice feeling what I'm feeling and having people reflect back what they're seeing in me. Then taking that deeper with my wife Violet, and even going back to reopen those channels with my own parents.
If you're recognizing yourself in any of this, know that this is some of the core work we do in our men's groups and coaching. You can learn more at evolutionarymen.com.
