All right. So on this episode with Melanie, we dove into something we've all experienced but rarely talk about directly: passive aggression. What it is, why we do it, and how to work with it in our relationships.
For me, passive aggression shows up most when I'm under-resourced or haven't asked for what I need. I'll get frustrated, but instead of speaking up, I just withdraw. My body gets tense and edgy, and my partner can absolutely feel it even though I'm not saying anything. Classic "I'm fine" energy when I'm clearly not fine. We talked about how this often goes back to childhood stuff, that conflict between authenticity and secure attachment that Gabor Maté speaks to. A lot of us learned early on to shut down our truth to keep the relationship safe, but those feelings don't just disappear. They live in your body, and they come out sideways.
The work is becoming more aware of your inner world in real time. Not waiting until you're wound so tight you explode at someone in traffic. Building that capacity to notice, oh, I'm actually frustrated about this thing, and then taking responsibility for it. Maybe that means moving the charge with other men in a group. Maybe it means chopping wood or going for a walk. Maybe it means having the vulnerable conversation with your partner instead of the passive aggressive jab. We also got into how good sex can actually process some of this stuff without needing to talk it to death, which is a whole other conversation.
The reality is this stuff still shows up for me all the time, even after years of work. But the practice is catching it sooner, getting more honest about what's actually happening, and staying connected through the conflict instead of disappearing.
If you're working on this stuff and want support, check out my men's groups and coaching at evolutionarymen.com. Until next time.
