I loved being back on Melanie's show to talk about something a lot of men struggle with but don't always want to look at. Weed and alcohol, right? The truth is, these aren't just substances we use for fun. For a lot of men, they're numbing agents. They help us not feel everything that's happening in our bodies and lives.
What really struck me in this conversation was how these substances affect our relationships. When we're high or drunk, we're diminished. Our consciousness is literally reduced. Someone else has to hold more space, be more aware, take care of us. And if that's our partner, we're basically asking them to be our caretaker instead of our lover. That kills the polarity that keeps relationships alive.
But here's what I want men to hear, underneath a woman saying "I'm worried about your drinking" or "the weed is too much" is actually "I want more of you." She's not trying to control you. She's asking for all of you to show up. That's an invitation, not a criticism.
The real shift happens when we take responsibility. Not for what happened to us as kids or what trauma we're carrying, but for how we're showing up now. Are we using these things unconsciously out of habit? Are we avoiding feeling what needs to be felt? Because feeling is always braver than not feeling. That's the new warrior, the internal work of turning toward what's there instead of numbing it out.
If any of this is landing for you, if you're recognizing patterns you want to shift, get some help. Don't try to do this alone. The men's groups and coaching work I do exists for exactly this. Check out evolutionarymen.com to see what we're up to.
