I had the chance to sit down with Melanie Curtin and my wife Violet on her podcast Dear Men to talk about something that comes up constantly in my work with men. The difference between a healthy feminine storm and actual abuse in relationship.
This is tricky territory for a lot of guys. I see men constantly walking on eggshells, exhausted and drained, not knowing if what they're experiencing is normal relationship conflict or something darker. We got into the mechanics of what makes a storm healthy versus destructive. The big piece is connection and consent. A healthy storm, there's still eye contact, there's still breath happening between you. You might be in intense energy together, but you're in it together. The abusive version, that connection is just gone. It's pure assault, no attunement to how it's landing on you.
We talked about the language piece too. You versus I statements. When it becomes a string of "you're this, you're doing this, you always," that's a red flag we're sliding into abuse territory. Versus "I'm experiencing this, I'm feeling this." Big difference. And boundaries. If you set a boundary and it gets respected, even imperfectly, that's healthy. If it gets completely ignored over and over, that's abuse.
One thing that hit me listening back is how many men normalize this stuff. Our nervous systems get calibrated to chaos if that's what we grew up with. A men's group can be lifesaving here. Other men can see what you can't see anymore. They can tell you, hey man, that's not normal. You don't have to live like this.
If you're in a relationship that's constantly draining you instead of resourcing you, get some perspective. Talk to men you trust. If you want to go deeper on this stuff with me, check out evolutionarymen.com.
