I sat down with Melanie Curtin on her podcast Dear Men and we dove deep into something that's probably sabotaging more relationships than most guys realize. We talked about covert contracts, those invisible agreements we make in our heads without ever speaking them out loud. What struck me during our conversation was how universal this pattern is, and how quickly guys recognize themselves in these examples once you name what's actually happening.
A covert contract is basically when you have an agreement you made up in your head about how things should work, but you never actually talked about it with your partner. You're doing X expecting them to do Y in return, but they have no idea that's the deal. Classic example: being the super nice guy who does everything for a woman, hoping she'll eventually realize he's relationship material. Or in my own marriage, expecting my wife to always cook dinner because I'm working more, without ever actually having that conversation. Then resentment builds up on both sides because no one knows the rules of the game.
We talked about how these contracts are often a way to avoid vulnerability. If you don't actually ask for what you want, you can't get rejected in the same direct way. But the problem is it keeps you stuck in this gray zone where your needs aren't getting met and your partner doesn't even know what they're supposed to be doing differently.
One thing I really want guys to hear: asking for what you need is actually how you let your partner love you. When I'm clear with Violet about what I need, like needing masculine time outside the house after months of sheltering in place with a newborn, she can actually meet that need. It becomes this powerful thing instead of me just expecting she should know and then getting resentful when she doesn't.
If you want to start untangling your own covert contracts, try keeping a resentment journal. Where do you feel resentful? That's usually pointing right at a covert contract you're running. Then the work is bringing it above board and actually asking for what you need.
If this is landing for you and you want to go deeper, check out my work at evolutionarymen.com.
