There's this moment in my conversation with Melanie where I found myself admitting something I'd never said out loud before: that for years, I felt broken because I didn't want to sleep with every attractive woman I met. It's the kind of confession that cuts through all the bullshit we tell ourselves about masculinity, and apparently it struck a nerve because Melanie immediately knew exactly what I was talking about. We dove deep into how those cultural messages about male sexuality can really mess with your head, especially when you're wired differently than what society expects.
I shared some of my own experience as a late bloomer, absorbing all these ideas about what I should want sexually, and how that created shame when reality didn't match up. The truth is, there's no such thing as "normal guy" behavior. Some men want casual sex, some don't. Some need connection first, some don't. Neither is more evolved or masculine than the other.
We talked about safety, how men need to feel safe too before getting physical. That might mean emotional safety, not worrying about performance, feeling connected enough to be vulnerable, or having space to heal from past trauma. I've worked with guys who lead with slowing things down, like saying hey, I'd like to get to know you for a month before we have sex. That kind of leadership actually creates better intimacy down the line.
The other piece we covered was around polyamory versus monogamy. In some circles there's this idea that being okay with multiple partners is more evolved, but that just doesn't work for everyone's nervous system. For me, monogamy is what creates safety. That's not less than, it's just what's true for my body and attachment style.
The shift comes from owning your truth. What you need, what works for you, what's happening in your body. That honesty is actually what most partners respond to, not the performance.
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Melanie Curtin: The other thing I really liked that you said is the leadership around. I think that was so sexy, what you said about a man leading and saying, like, I would like us to go slow. This is my preference. I think it builds a hotter connection. I think it makes me feel safer. I would love to hear from you what makes you feel safe in a sexual connection. Like a man opening up that conversation and owning what he wants around. Going slow feels really good. Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Dear Men. Today, we are talking about, is there something wrong with me if I don't want to have sex with a lot of women? And I'm glad to welcome back to the podcast. Jason. Thank you for being here.
Jason Lange: Glad to be back. What's up, everybody?
Melanie Curtin: So this is a topic I've been wanting to do for a little while because I've noticed that it's come up a few times with several of our clients. And I guess I just wanted to discuss sort of what's. What surrounds it and then kind of normalize it a little bit. So I think that there's kind of an expectation that men want to have sex with women all the time, and that if sex is available, they should want it, like, anytime, anywhere, any place, with anyone. And I don't actually think that's true, but I would love to hear from you, Jason, and what your experience has been around this, especially kind of growing up, because I feel like it's when, like, boys and young men, especially teenagers and everything, are sort of trained or indoctrinated into this concept. And I'm wondering what that was like for you and how that unfolded as you kind of grew into a man.
Jason Lange: Yeah, I think, you know, a large part of this just stems from some cultural conditioning we certainly get as men that, you know, starts with some pretty common archetypes in the media of the horny man and the man that just, you know, wakes up next to someone and doesn't know what happened. And just this idea that, you know, men are always going for sex and that the idea of what being, at least in our culture here in the US that, you know, what makes a strong man or a good man or a powerful man is a man that's had a lot of sex in a lot of sense. Right. He's successful if he has had many partners, because that means he's on top of his game, so to speak.
Melanie Curtin: He's got a lot of notches in his belt.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. And I think it also makes it in that scenario, I then feel safer as a woman to share what's happening for me so that the leadership, like you said, of, like, oh, you went first. You told me something. I can now tell you something. And it is a virtuous cycle.
Jason Lange: Absolutely.
Melanie Curtin: So we're going to wrap here, and if you are interested in sort of going deeper, Jason and I have a presentation. Jason, can you let them know where to find that?
Jason Lange: Yeah, if you just go to my website, Evolutionary Men training. That'll have everything you need to watch a really cool, powerful training that Mel and I created and some steps afterwards if you'd like to get in touch with us.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. It's how to take control of your love life. And we're pretty excited about it. So Evolutionary Men Training.
