The surprising advantage nice guys have in dating
One of the biggest myths out there is that nice guys finish last and that “jerks” end up attracting all the women.
Why does this myth exist and how does deconstructing it prove that nice guys actually have a huge advantage in dating and relating?
Let’s dive in and find out.
Truth #1 – We develop and grow over time
Stick with me here, as this one lays an important bedrock and foundation for all the rest to come. While it may sound obvious, it’s important to be clear: our consciousness continues to develop and grow over time. This is obvious and clear in watching a baby become a toddler all the way up through early adulthood and there’s TONS of research proving it.
What’s less know, is that our brains can CONTINUE to develop well past early adulthood. Two of my teachers, Ken Wilber and David Deida each write deeply out this in different ways.
For today, we’re going to focus on the model Deida writes about in his various books – the three stages of masculinity.
These stages are like concentric circles – each one “includes” the one before it, you can also thing of this like russian dolls.
Stage 1 masculinity is MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY, it’s selfish, me oriented, putting it’s own needs above the needs of others. This is the stage most “jerks” are at – sometimes brutish, totally insensitive, and into puffing out their chests like cavemen. When us nice guys say we don’t want to be “one of those guys” this is usually what who we’re talking about. BUT, here’s the thing, stage 1 men tend to be VERY in touch with what they want and often don’t have the awareness to even self doubt. They’re confident in the way a toddler is confident – “I WANT THIS!” – but at the cost of being attuned to whoever their interacting with.
Stage 2 masculinity, is a pendulum swing away from stage 1 towards knowing and caring for OTHER people’s needs, wants, and desires. It’s a stage that really focuses on fairness, equality, and very clear communication. The new age wimp, sensitive man, the pushover, “the friend”, these tropes tend to fall into this stage. Often times guys here minimize sharing their sexual desire, anger, and their own needs. Instead they will focus on make a woman feel safe and un-pressured (which is an AMAZING evolutionary advancement!), they in fact CARE about the wellbeing of the women their dating. They are incredible listeners, and often end up prioritizing other’s feelings before their own. Guys that get stuck in the friend-zone are almost ALWAYS stage 2.
Stage 3 masculinity This stage is the full integration of the previous 2. Whereas most stage 2 men end up throwing out the baby with the bathwater, stage 3 men are both in touch with their OWN needs AND their partners needs, and are able to hold both simultaneously. Stage 3 men are INTEGRATED and EMBODIED – having full access to their head, hearts, and guts (their body, including sexuality). They know how to communicate clearly and directly what they want, while being attuned to and creating space for their partners to express their desires. In stage three, we LEAD our women not because we think my way or the highway, but because we want to offer our care and planning as a GIFT to whomever we’re with.
Truth #2 – Quality women are drawn to DIRECTION AND LEADERSHIP
Here’s an important piece of the game-changing truth. From the OUTSIDE, stage 1 and stage 3 behaviors look very SIMILAR and it’s really easy to confuse the two. This is called the pre-trans fallacy and is one of my favorite teachings of Ken Wilber.
In short, stage 1 men tend to just go for what they want and take it – (because that’s ALL they know!), which can be experienced by certain women as a man taking the lead/charge and can definitely create romantic tension and polarity. Stage 1 men have DIRECTION and do take LEADERSHIP but selfishly prioritizing their own NEEDS.
However, that’s not really what women want! I’ve never talked to a woman who WANTED to be treated badly! What they really want is STAGE 3 men – guys who are in touch with their feelings and heart AND boldly take the lead in relationship – stating and going after what they want while checking in and considering their woman’s feelings and wellbeing along the way.
Truth #3 – Women have stages too, and are a few decades ahead of us men
Femininity develops in three stages as well, and women have been on their own journey in the last half century that really burst to life in the mid to late 60s. Liberating from being stuck as a just the roles of mother and wife, women entered the workforce and found their own agency in the world. Science, education, politics, art, you name it and women are bringing their gifts with a ferocity and scale never before seen on the planet (and thank god!). While there are still numerous imbalances between the genders, there’s never been a time in history where the playing field was more equal than in modern western cultures.
Men also starting growing and evolving in the sixties, growing out their hair, opting out of the corporate and miltary worlds, exploring their feelings, etc etc. However, it’s been at a MUCH smaller scale and pace overall than women have changed.
The “men’s work” movement is really quite in its infancy, and only in the last decade have we started to see real integrated growth paths for modern men to emerge. Many modern men have found their roles are no longer enough (father, husband, breadwinner) and are feeling left behind in our current evolution of culture and are realizing they need to do inner work and evolve too.
Conclusion: There are more conscious women than men
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women utter this phrase “where are all the conscious men?”
And that’s at the root of why nice guys have a HUGE advantage in the modern dating and relating world. There are simply MORE conscious stage 3 women in the world right now than there are conscious stage 3 men.
There is literally a shortage of conscious men in the world, which means stage 3 men really have a profound place in the world right now, and get to be highly selective about which women they date and enter into relationship with.
Not only that, but because you can’t SKIP stages of growth (there is no GOING straight from stage 1 to stage 3) – even stage 2 guys, aka us nice guys, have a MASSIVE advantage because it just takes evolving and shifting a few core beliefs and ways of being in the world to really start showing up as stage 3 masculine.
As I tell the guys I work with, I can take a guy with a good heart and teach him to drop deeper into his masculine essence and lead in a modern integrated way. But what’s much harder to do is take a heartless first stage guy and help him develop into his sensitive in stage 2 and then beyond in stage 3.
These truths add up to many men needing to make a pretty big mindset shift – there are plenty of women, and I get to be picky. I hammer that home OVER and OVER again to the guys I work with.
Watch my free BEYOND THE NICE GUY webinar that teaches 5 keys shifts to help you practice third stage masculinity. and book a FREE call with me to get CLARITY and COACHING on what it takes to fully evolve into a conscious man