Redefining Masculinity for a Meaningful Connection – Jason Lang | Ple^sure Principles

Host: Sensuality is an enriching experience that transcends mere physical touch. It invites us to explore openness and vulnerability, creating deeper connections with others. By engaging in mindful touch, we enhance our awareness of each other's desires and boundaries. This practice cultivates intimacy as it encourages honest communication and emotional safety. Each caress becomes a dialogue between bodies, transcending words and allowing us to connect on a profound level. Embracing the art of sensuality fosters trust, reigniting passion and curiosity in relationships. It's a journey of discovery, inviting us to celebrate the beauty of human connection through the transformative power of touch. Hey everyone. Welcome back to Pleasure Principles where we dive deep into the things, relationships, intimacy and the personal growth. I'm your host, Avik, and today we have got a really exciting and super relevant topic that's been making waves. Masculinity. So what does it mean to be a man today? How are the relationships, intimacy and sexuality shifting for men in the world where the, the old school definitions just don't fit anymore? Right. So joining me is the incredible Jason Lange. So welcome to the show, Jason.

Jason Lange: Yeah, so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

Host: Lovely, lovely, great. So, Jason, like, before we start our conversation, I'd quickly love to introduce you to all of our listeners. Dear listeners, Amends, Jason is a men's embodiment coach, groove facilitator and evolutionary guide. So he's worked with some of the most well known names in the men's work and believes that men can find deeper clarity in their life and the relationships. So Jason's all about ditching the lone wolf mentality and embracing the community and purpose. So if you have ever let felt confused that by societal expectations or unsure of how to truly connect with your own masculinity and relationships, then today's conversation is going to hit more. So wait, wait, let's get started. Welcome to the show again, Jason.

Jason Lange: Yeah, all right.

Host: Lovely, lovely. So, Jason, like, I mean, I'll quickly start with the basics. Like, what do you think is the biggest misconceptions about masculinity today?

Jason Lange: Yeah, I think one of the biggest things that we're having to figure out as a, a globe and a culture right now is. Yeah, what's healthy masculinity? Because for so many years we had pretty pathological versions of masculinity, which in my mind are just the type of masculinity that really emphasizes power over everything else and over everyone else at the expense of others and is often disconnected, you know, from the heart and part of what we're seeing in the world right now is something more is being called for. Where, you know, I'm by no means someone who thinks all masculinity should be gotten rid of just the unhealthy parts and we want to bring forward the healthy aspects of it which are actually quite open, grounded, deep, loving, caring, aware and able to bring forth so much in the world. And you know, it's an interesting time because we are having a bit of a reckoning with a lot of what was the harmful impact of what I would really say are just unconscious men. And at the same time, I think there's never been a moment where we've needed more healthy masculinity ever than now. Meaning men actually stepping forward into the world who are caring, who are connected to their heart, hearts, who aren't lone wolfing it, who really have concern about themselves, others, the environment, etc, and where a lot of the men I work with right now get a little lost is we've just had no modeling of what this kind of healthy masculinity looks like.

Host: Yeah, got it, got it. So men's groups sound fascinating, right? But some people think that men should just handle their emotions alone. So what would you say to that?

Jason Lange: Yeah, so what I say to that is really in my mind one of the strongest qualities any human can have, masculine or feminine, is being resilient. Right. Which just means that capacity to come back even when things are hard, to stay present, to stay grounded, to keep moving forward. And the thing about a men's group and the shift from the lone wolf mentality to the wow, other people can be my allies mentality is it actually creates more resiliency. The problem of I'm just going to figure it out by myself is I don't care how big and tough a man you think you are, at some point your body is going to fail you. You won't be able to just brute force your way through it. This is something every man has to deal with. And at that point what becomes important is who do I have around me and what I've seen in my own life and the hundreds of men I've worked with at this point is when they're surrounded by other high quality, trustable and deep men, they become more resilient to the ups and downs of life, are much more apt at being able to recover quickly when something knocks them off their feet, and frankly are much more able to stay on track with what is most important to them to bring forward in their lives or in their world. And you know, Men's community doesn't make life easier, but it does make it a lot better. And what I've experienced, more impactful, more efficient. When we learn that other people can become other men in particular, can be our allies, and that this strategy of having to do it all by ourselves, pick ourselves up by the bootstraps, never, ever admit any kind of weakness, it actually ends up killing men. Right. We die sooner from heart disease. We get addicted to drugs and alcohol. We become very lonely and depressive. This stuff is real. And, you know, I always use the metaphor, right? Yeah. The lone wolf. And the truth is, in nature, the lone wolf is the one that was kicked out of the pack, and that's the wolf that will die sooner. It's the wolves that are in the pack that will live the longest, healthiest lives.

Host: That's. That's awesome to share. Thank you so much for sharing this. And also, like, I mean, some people say that embracing the vulnerability makes men weak. So what's your take on that? I mean, especially in the context of relationships.

Jason Lange: Yeah, so I think a lot of it depends on what you think weak is. So in my mind, what I always say is, you know, a lot of times, weakness and fear are associated with each other. And who's more afraid? The man who's unwilling to be present and feel his full emotional experience, or the man who will do anything to get away from it because he. He's not sure how he'll get through it. And what I found is real strength, real resilience is. I don't know how this is going to go or feel, and it's scary, but I'm going to move forward anyway. You know, it's not courage if it doesn't take any vulnerability.

Host: Exactly.

Jason Lange: It's the fact that it requires vulnerability that makes something courageous. And being vulnerable, realizing that we have human bodies with human emotional selves, that's just part of having to be alive. And the faster men can embrace that, the more we can work with that rather than being afraid or running away from it. So the men I trust the most deeply that have had the most impact on me and frankly, the most success in their lives in the world, they have an incredible capacity for being emotionally vulnerable in the right time and place doesn't mean they fully collapse and get overwhelmed by their emotions, but it also means they don't posture and pretend like they don't have them, which always catches up to men. Like I was talking about. It'll catch up to you in autoimmune disorders. It'll catch up to you in your relationships, it catches up to you in your body. And instead, when we learn to work with this stuff and just face it head on directly, this is what I'm feeling. This is what's hard about it. That's where real power comes from in my book. Because then we have nothing to be afraid of.

Host: Wow, that's lovely. Lovely. And also, like, for the listeners who think that traditional masculinity still has value, then what parts do you believe are worth holding on to?

Jason Lange: Yeah. So, you know, the deepest sense of the masculine is the part of any of us that brings structure and order and direction into the moment in service of other people. Love, truth and consciousness. And so directionality tends to be associated, you know, with the masculine. And, you know, early forms of masculine, that directionality is pretty much just limited to themselves. This is what I want, so I'm going to move towards it. And that's actually a great thing, that's an important thing, that's a powerful thing. We just want to integrate that with what about those people around me and what about this system in the environment we're embedded in? How can I serve all of this the most? And you know, in my definition, what I really think power is, is it's just our capacity to move towards the things we want. And as we deepen as men, the context of which we consider our desires and wants just gets wider and more encompassing to our friends, our family, our relationships, etc, the planet. And so we want to keep a sense of directionality in our lives. Right. This new type of masculinity we're talking about doesn't mean just being a pushover or letting life, you know, take you over. You still get to have a sense of agency and direction. It's just a much more deep one that's in service of something more than just yourself. And so it's not about getting rid of all masculinity. Right. It's just about growing it up in a sense, and including more. So the gifts of the masculine can be even more meaningful to the world.

Host: Lovely, lovely. Greed. And so do you think that society's expectations of men are keeping them from living fulfilling lives or are men just out of touch with themselves?

Jason Lange: Well, those two things are pretty related in that. Yeah. One of the big challenges for us men is, you know, this is such a loaded term these days, the patriarchy. But the patriarchy, this big amorphous thing, it's just as impactful for men as it is for women. And part of what the patriarchy has Taught us men is don't be weak, don't show vulnerability, don't show emotions. Other men are your competition. Always be tough, Keep moving forward, don't cry, work harder. Right? Like, we get just beat over the head with these beliefs. Many of us, since we're young kids, you know, stop crying, sit still. All of these different things kind of add together to teach us men to be disconnected from our bodies and our hearts. And yes, that makes life more challenging because oftentimes we end up neglecting our bodies or pushing them too hard, which will cause injury or illness, will often neglect or not even be in touch with our emotional experience. And because no one teaches us what our emotions often are, let alone what to do with them. When we have intense emotional experiences in our body, AKA when we don't feel good, when we feel bad, when we feel sad or depressed or stressed or whatever that might be, we don't have many tools to work with it. So lo and behold, what do most guys do? They either dissociate, disconnect, reach for a bottle of alcohol, smoke some weed, try to have sex or masturbate porn things to try to make themselves feel differently that ultimately don't actually get to the root of what they're experiencing. And so it's tough to be a man, I think, these days. And part of the kind of coming cultural revolution is, yeah, you know, yes, we're men, yes, we get to be resilient, and yes, we have feelings too. And the more we actually work with those feelings directly, the more powerful we can actually become. And it's just tough because we don't have this stuff modeled for us. And from a young age, we're taught to hold everything inside, just hold it all inside and be tough. And if you're not these things, you're not a man. Which then causes all kinds of issues with self esteem and self identity that, lo and behold, then create discomfort in our hearts and in our bodies. So then we turn towards substances to try to make ourselves feel better. So it becomes this just awful loop that, you know, shows like this and work. Like, I do really have an opportunity to disrupt and say, you know what? No, there's a better way to do this.

Host: Got it. And like, in your experience, what is the one? I mean, what is the role basically of intimacy and sex in shaping a man's identity today?

Host: Yeah, lovely. Great, great. And also like for the skeptics, who is listening, who think that men's work isn't for them. So how would you challenge them to rethink that?

Jason Lange: Yeah, I mean, my challenge is honestly, just wait long enough.

Host: Yeah.

Jason Lange: If you wait long enough, something is going to happen in your life that is so painful, if it hasn't already, that you're going to ask yourself, there's got to be a different way. What else can I do here? Because the script that most of us men are given does not work sustainably for a long term. So whether it's not being able to get into a relationship or getting someone leaving you, you get a divorce or you have a health challenge, or you get laid off or fired from a job, these are the moments where I see men actually step in for support and men's work because they realize, wow, my life strategies just aren't working here. Or, you know, I'll say the. The kind of polarity to that. Sometimes I see as guys who totally followed the script, right. They were responsible, they got the job, they had the kids, and then suddenly they're in their 40s or 50s and they find that, wow, I'm kind of miserable inside. I don't feel alive. I just feel stressed and burdened by life. So many men will feel that as well. And men's work is just a call to live more deeply and to actually come alive in your body. And this stuff works. You know, I've seen hundreds of men's lives change by doing this kind of work in terms of they feel more alive and vital, less burdened, less heavy. Their relationships get better, whether it's with their kids, their intimate partner, their co workers, they take more risks and adventures in life. Their capacity for pleasure goes way up, as does their capacity to ride the rough moments as well and to recover, like we were talking about earlier. So, you know, if you're ultimately like, ah, this stuff just sounds like mumbo jumbo, that's not for me. I'm just gonna keep figuring out myself, you know, I'm just gonna seed it here. Just remember this conversation for that moment when things don't go right for you and you get knocked. Knocked off your center and know that there is another way.

Host: That's lovely. Wow. So what a conversation. Jason, thank you so much for shedding light on what masculinity and men's work can look like.

Jason Lange: Yeah, my pleasure. So grateful to be here with you.

Host: Who is listening. Yeah. And also, like, remember that the only thing constant in this life is change. So how we define ourselves is always evolving. So take care, be open and I'll see you next time on Pleasure principles. So stay curious, stay connected, and let's keep redefining what it means to live and love authentically. So thank you so much.