All right, I just had a great conversation on The Mindful Living podcast about why so many men these days feel isolated and what we can do about it.
We went deep into the cultural forces that teach men from boyhood to disconnect from our bodies and emotions. Stop crying, sit still, don't show weakness. All those messages add up, and they leave a lot of us feeling totally alone even when we're surrounded by people. I shared how this loneliness isn't just uncomfortable, it's actually deadly. Research shows isolated men die faster, plain and simple.
The conversation turned to men's groups and why they're so powerful. Turns out the "lone wolf" thing we celebrate? That wolf got kicked out of the pack and won't survive as long. When men actually have a place to bring their full selves, to be vulnerable, to feel their emotions with other men holding them, everything changes. Relationships get better, health improves, work gets easier. You become more powerful because you're not spending all your energy avoiding what you feel.
We also talked about how this affects intimate relationships. When your partner is your only emotional outlet, that's a lot of pressure. Men's groups give you somewhere else to process, to build your capacity to actually know what you're feeling, and that makes you a better partner.
If you're a man reading this and feeling isolated, turn towards your emotions instead of avoiding them. Start going deeper with the men already in your life. Get some help, whether that's therapy or finding a men's group. Your life might literally depend on it.
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Host: Foreign.
Jason Lange: Hello and welcome to Mindful Living, where we explore the art of living with the intention, balance and inner peace. I am a video host guiding you through conversations on health, meditation, mental well being, mindfulness and the mind body connection. Each episode features expert insights to help you grow, heal and thrive. So take a deep breath, relax, and join us on this journey to a more mindful and fulfilling life. So let's get started.
Host: Hello and welcome, listeners, to the Mindful Living podcast where we explore topics that help you cultivate awareness, balance and purpose in your daily life. In today's episode, we dive deep into an issue that is affecting millions of men around the world. Mental and emotional health, the loneliness epidemic, and how joining a men's group can set men up for greater success, fulfillment and connection. Our guest today is Jason Lange, a men's embodiment coach, group facilitator, and evolutionary guide. Jason has spent over 20 years helping men awaken to their deeper purpose in life and relationships. He's also a Certified no More Mr. Nice Guy Coach and has worked with many influential figures in the field of men's work. His mission is to create spaces where men can grow, thrive, find support, and shed outdated paradigms of masculinity that no longer serve them. And in today's episode, Jason shares why every man should consider joining a men's group and how doing so can radically improve their mental, mental health and relationships. So, Jason, welcome to the show and it's an absolute honor to have you with us today.
Jason Lange: Thank you so much for having me, Jason.
Host: Loneliness, of course, it has become a major issue, especially among men, and it can have devastating effects on mental and emotional health. Why do you think so many men are struggling with loneliness today?
Jason Lange: Yeah, there's so many reasons for this, some of which are cultural in terms of what we expect men to be in the world and what a lot of us men are taught from a young age, both by other men and sometimes the women in our lives, that on one level, there's this idea of what we call the man box, which is this kind of box men are expected to fit into, and if we don't, we're not considered men. And some of the very common, for better or worse, some of the very common traits here that we see that demand us, demand us to be true in the man box are like, never show weakness, don't be vulnerable, don't be sad, don't cry, be tough. Other men are competition, work harder. If sex is available to you, take it. All these different messages we get from a young age Oftentimes as boys, and that have an impact on us. And in a lot of ways, what I talk about, teach us as boys and then later as men to not be in our bodies, right? So when you think of a young child being taught, stop crying, you're fine. What we're really teaching that young boy is, hey, whatever's happening for you inside, ignore that. Override it with your head. And then we put boys into, you know, schooling systems, which, you know, they have a lot of pros, but turns out young boys need to move, right? We have a lot of energy in our body, and we're kinesthetic learners. And when we're taught sit still again, what the message we get is, whatever's happening in your body, override it with your head. And then we become young adolescents and teenagers, and we get into that kind of locker room culture that's so big for many boys, of competition and being tough and not showing weakness. And boys perpetuate this against each other. And boys will bully other boys if they're weak or vulnerable or share something they care about. And this kind of just keeps going up the chain, you know, Then we become an adult and we're rewarded for, hey, can you work 80 hours a week? Doesn't matter what it's doing to your body or your relationship or your health, you know, the most important thing is how hard can you work? Or can you do this extreme sport, you know, for entertainment that's going to destroy your body? Or, you know, it's changed quite a bit. But traditionally, you know, it was men's bodies that were sent off to war or did the really dangerous or toxic jobs in just, in a sense, there's been this kind of cultural force that says men shouldn't be in our bodies. We get rewarded when we're not. In fact, we sometimes get paid more money and are taught from a young age. In lo and behold, what happens when you're not in your body is you're also disconnected from your emotions because our emotions start as sensations in our bodies. So men from boys from a young age are taught to not be in our bodies and to cut. Taught to not feel and to not even know what we're feeling. And so when we don't know how to identify what we're feeling, we don't know how to share it for one. So it feels really isolating. And then for a lot of men, we turn to substances to try to make ourselves feel better, whether that's alcohol, weed, porn, sex, food, overworking to try to help ourselves Feel better on the inside. Now we combine that with just kind of what's happening culturally, right? There's this. A lot of our kind of societal, communal structures have broken down. You know, I'm here in the US and in particular, there's this hyper prioritization of everything being private. You know, the dream is to have your own house, not near anyone, in a sense. And we're wired as human beings to be communal and relational creatures, right? And that's slowly been eroded. And with technology now, it can feel like we're connecting to other people, but we're not. And we can live alone, essentially. We can work from home, we can order our food and our groceries from Amazon and never even have to leave the house and interact with people. And so when you combine all that, you know, this is a problem. Loneliness is happening to everyone. But I think men are just particularly vulnerable to it because of these additional cultural pressures that say that teach us to always keep everything inside in, particularly, if you're in pain, don't show it. Just be tough and kind of keep it at a surface level. And then the way most men are taught to relate to each other, if they do, is through what I call triangulation, which means me and you, my buddy, we have our attention on a third thing. A sporting game, a movie, politics, something, right? Where our attention, we connect to each other, other by talking about a third thing. Lo and behold, what that can lead to is, yeah, I might have men in my life, but feel very alone because none of them even know my wife is leaving me right now or that I just got a cancer diagnosis, and I have no idea how to tell them that or bring that forward. And so us men are just very vulnerable for a lot of reasons that are just coming to a head right now where, you know, since 1990, it's the percentage of men with at least six close friends fell by half. So it's like only 20% of men these days feel like they even have six close friends. And single men in particular fare the worst where here in America, one in five American men who are unmarried and not in a romantic relationship report not having any close friends. And this really starts to catch up to us. That, again, it is unfortunately changing a little bit. But traditionally, statistically, suicide has mostly been men, right? It's. It's one of the most common causes of death for men. And it's just going up over the years. And so men feel isolated, they feel alone, and they've never been taught that they can actually learn to connect with each other in this loneliness thing, right? It's not just something you and I have made up. Like, they've done real research in men who report loneliness and isolation, they die faster. It's just as deadly as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day or being morbidly obese. Heart disease comes faster and we have health challenges faster when we feel alone.
Host: That's true, that's true. That's really eye opening, Jason. And again, breaking the lone wolf mentality. Many men still feel the pressure to go through life alone, as you explained very well. And believing that asking for help is a sign of weakness. So how can joining a men's group help break that lone wolf mentality and foster more connection and support?
Jason Lange: Yeah, it's such a great question. And you know, I'll start with even that term. Right. A lot of guys I know, they, they, they use the term lone wolf as something they're proud of. But the truth is, when you actually look at nature, the lone wolf is the wolf that was kicked out of the pack. And that wolf will not survive as long. It will actually die sooner when it's not part of the pack. So it's not a point of pride. It actually, in some sense it's in nature, it's a punishment. Because wolves together, they live longer, they thrive more. And I think that's part of the big shift men get to experience coming into men's group is, wow. Other men don't just have to be my competition, they don't just have to be my enemies, but they can be my allies. And the more connected with we feel in life, the more resilient we become. Meaning when really challenging stuff happens to us, it doesn't knock us over in the same way because we have somewhere to land with people who can hold us, who can support us, who can love us, and as men sometimes, yeah, hold us accountable and call us forward when we're enacting things in our lives that are hurting, hurting ourselves or other people. A men's group's a place where we get to kind of break up that culture. Culture and where men can have this first hand experience of wow, being vulnerable and bringing myself forward is not weak, it's actually strong. The, the men who live the most in fear are actually the men who are afraid to share their emotions. Men who have gone the other direction and are like, yeah, I'm sad right now, so I'm going to come grieve with my brothers. Or I'm feeling furious at this thing that happened and I'm going to Come share my anger in a safe way way where no one feels danger because of how I'm sharing it, because I have somewhere intelligent that I'm bringing it with, with consent or where I'm allowed to bring my fears or panic or grief or disgust, whatever that might be. What I quickly see in men over and over and over again is the relief that comes from when they realize, wow, I don't have to hold it all inside. And in fact the men I see in front of me who are bringing it forward, I actually trust them more. They feel strong to me, I feel more relaxed around them and it starts to rewire this whole system men have of wait a second, instead of suffering in pain alone, I can bring myself forward to be accepted in community and in love, frankly, and where I don't have to hold it all together all the time. And lo and behold, old, the more we learn to just turn towards our emotions inside of ourselves and in a group, the less power they have over us, where we don't get knocked into depression for days, weeks or years and we don't feel totally contracted and burdened and stressed out in our lives where instead we get to bring this thing forward. And I could tell you I've unfortunately keep learning this lesson over and over and over, despite the fact I've been in this work 20 years and I teach it. Sometimes I'll catch myself and, and I'll be in a men's group and I'll finally bring something forward that I was scared to feel. And turns out it took maybe two or three minutes to fully feel it in the group. And I had been spending maybe six months of my life avoiding it, trying to not feel that grief or not feel that anger or not feel that frustration. And so lo and behold, when we have a safe place to do that with other men, we become more powerful. And what I mean by powerful is just we're able to move towards the things we want in our lives. And having a good men's group really enables that for us because we feel more connected, more alive.
Host: Definitely. And for men who are feeling stuck in life or struggling with their mental and emotional well being, what are some practical steps or tools they can start using right now to begin thriving again?
Jason Lange: Yeah, for one, stop avoiding. So we fall prey to this kind of awful belief that if I just avoid emotion it'll go away. But it doesn't, you know, it's kind of a platitude, but we use it because it's meaningful. You know, emotion, energy in motion. Emotion is Supposed to move through our bodies and cause some kind of reaction. It's a response to some kind of stimulus in our environment. Environment. And when we disengage or choose not to feel or numb ourselves to it with substances, we're actually preventing a process from happening inside of ourselves and we're not as engaged with life. So the more you can start to turn towards your emotions in the moment, the more your life is actually going to change. You know, another man I work with once told me, I loved this. You know, emotions are a call to action. And so if we're avoiding our emotions, we're actually not getting the signal to whatever action needs to be taken in our life. But when we allow it to move through us, our lives start to change pretty powerfully. So turning towards your emotions is really powerful. And then going deeper with other men in your life. So what's really important here is not waiting for them to go first, but being the one that says, hey, do you want to meet up, you know, for 30, 40 minutes Friday night and just talk about life and to actually then share, to reveal what is happening inside you in your life right now. And what I found is oftentimes one of the greatest acts of leadership men can do these days is go first, be vulnerable, and then suddenly the floodgates open with the other men we're with who are like, wow, I didn't even know how to talk about this. But suddenly all of this content comes forward and they feel comfortable and they feel permission to share it. And almost inevitably, after interactions like that, most men report feeling more free, more relaxed, more energized and more hopeful. So you can start turning towards your emotions and start taking your connections with other men deeper, even if you don't have a men's group. And then, you know, this is just particularly to the men too, if you haven't already go to therapy. We go to a gym. We go to the gym to work out our bodies. All therapy is, is, it's how we work out our minds and our hearts. It doesn't mean you're broken, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It's how we cross train our nervous systems. And you wouldn't think a man is weak for going to the gym to keep himself healthy, would you? So why would you think a man is. We go into therapy. It's just a way to work these different parts of our bodies.
Host: Lovely. And you also talk about how men's groups can improve their intimate relationships. So can you explain how working on emotional Health in a group setting helps men show up more fully in their partnerships.
Host: Absolutely, absolutely. That's, that's really, really very healthy and positive. And, and before we wrap up, Jason, for those men who, who are hesitant or skeptical about joining a men's group or they are just not aware, what would you say to them? How can they overcome the initial resistance and take that first step? Be mindful that, yes, I feel vulnerable, I can definitely ask for help.
Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say, you know, it sounds a little intense, but it's like your life often depends on it. You know, there's. What I see in a lot of men is we come into this world and it's like we have a certain level of credit on our body credit card, how hard we can work, how much we can push ourselves. And those bills start to come due, particularly kind of in our mid-40s and beyond, where holding all that stress inside will catch up to you as a man. Your body will fail you at some point in your life and it's at that point you want to know who's around to catch me. You know, maybe not forever, but in the low points of life. And so in my own life, in many of the hundreds of men I've worked with, when they get into a group, their relationships get better, their physical health gets better, they make more money, people trust them more and they feel more alive and present in their lives for their families, their communities, their work, etc, so it's not just woo woo stuff. This is how we take care of ourselves as men these days. And like I said, being in a good group, it will make you more powerful, it will help you move towards those things in your life you want to move towards the most true.
Host: Great. That's really, really very great and positive discussion, Jason. And if our listeners, especially men, if they want to connect with you and understand how powerful, you know, how helpful men's group can be and how this loneliness can be cured, can be prevented. Of course. How can they do that?
Jason Lange: Yeah, Best way to keep up with me, if you like what you're hearing is you can Visit my website, evolutionary.men. so it's not dot com, it's dot men. And on there you'll find links to me on social media, you'll find my own podcast Evolutionary Men, where I talk about this stuff every week. And there's the contact form where you can always reach out to me if you have questions about how do I find a group in my area or anything like that. I love supporting men in finding groups. It's part of my mission that every man should be in a men's group.
Host: Great. Great. Well, Jason, thank you so much, so much for your insights and your advices on how men can take steps towards improving their mental health and also thriving through the support of a community. And it's really, really empowering and positive for all the men out there. So appreciate and. And I'm very sure our listeners will have a lot of takeaways from this discussion. So thank you so much for coming on the show.
Jason Lange: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It's been such an honor and pleasure.
Host: Great. And listeners, if you want to learn more about Jason's work and also listen to his podcast and understand how great opportunities are out there, you definitely can refer the show notes along with this episode on your favorite podcast platform form and stay mindful, stay healthy. And until next time, this is your host, Sana, signing off.
