There's a moment in my conversation with Melanie where she describes watching her client, a genuinely good-hearted man, trying to explain away his partner's explosive rage for the third time that week. He's sitting there, shoulders slumped, telling Melanie how maybe if he just communicated better, maybe if he was more patient, maybe if he tried harder, then she wouldn't have thrown his keys across the room and screamed at him for twenty minutes. That moment captures something I see constantly in my work with men, this devastating pattern of nice guys ending up with volatile partners.
Here's the thing. When a man doesn't have good boundaries, doesn't advocate for himself, constantly attunes to his partner's needs while burying his own, that creates a certain type of energetic exchange. It attracts partners who either don't respect boundaries or who are highly volatile. Sometimes both. And then what happens? The nice guy internalizes all that volatility as his fault. He becomes the one responsible for fixing her emotions, regulating her nervous system, making everything okay.
I've seen this play out over and over. Relationships that move incredibly fast because there's no boundary there. Men who feel like they're walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger their partner's nervous system. Guys who finally drop their partner at the airport and feel their whole body relax because suddenly they can breathe again. That reality distortion field is real. It's like a cult of two, where no outside information gets in.
The roots of this often go way back. Many nice guys learned early on to regulate a parent, usually mom, to keep the family system stable. That pattern gets wired in deep, and then they take it into all their relationships. They become the ones who make everyone else feel better, even at the cost of their own truth and needs.
What helps? Community. Other men who can reflect back what's actually happening. Mentorship from guys who've been there and gotten out. And training on how to actually set boundaries and advocate for yourself. When you have all three, real change becomes possible. Not the weekend workshop kind, but the structural, lasting kind.
Read Full Transcript Full episode text for reading and search
Jason Lange: Open their eyes and realize, whoa, this actually is pretty messed up or what I've come to tolerate, is not it actually all normal, right? Other relationships exist in very different ways to this.
Melanie Curtin: Hey all, it is the final episode of the year of 2023. We are wrapping out the year and this episode is one that we've wanted to do for a while and I'm just wanting to presence that out of the darkness can come light and that when we really look at patterns and we really get in there and move things around, you know, that's really when transformation happens. So I guess I just want to say that I acknowledge all of you who are listening to this and who resonate with it and who might feel seen or perhaps exposed by it and just know that we are here to hold that and to also hold the vision and the truth of the fact that we've seen many, many people men overcome patterns like this and move into healthy relationships. So that is possible and that is what we're doing here. So I just wanted to say that and I have a cool celebration for the podcast this week. This is from someone who is a longtime client. You know who you are and without further ado, I will get into his celebration and then the episode Hi Melanie, I took your advice and went to a sound bath last week. My friend was running it and invited all to come so I felt like this was divine timing. When I arrived there was a cute girl working at the check in station. I spoke to her briefly and she got me checked in. I had a great experience with the sound bath and when it was over I went back downstairs to chat with her. I told her about how I was in a men's group and how it's changed my life. She was intrigued and wanted to hear more. I told her about the retreat and the beautiful visions I've had while doing breath work. I even told her that I cried tears of joy during it. I realized how happy I was that my father is still alive and in my life. She began to tear up at my stories and I offered her a hug. She took me up on it and we held each other in a warm embrace. I told her how much lighter I felt after being wrapped up in her arms, even if just for a few seconds. We continued to connect as I told her stories of my family and she told me stories about hers. She even got choked up again and I offered her another hug. She took me up on it. We continued connecting for about 45 minutes until she had to lock up. But before parting she said we needed to exchange numbers and we did. And before I left, she said, I want another hug. I'm going to drag it out of you. I said, it's my absolute pleasure. And we had a third and final hug before her hands collapsed in mine and we slowly let go. As it exited the shop, I felt so high on life. I walked along the pier and looked at the ocean. Then I treated myself to a great lunch and counted my blessings. I hope to see her again, but if not, just know that this was one of the greatest interactions I've ever had with the feminine. Upon first meeting them right then and there, we were both present and there for one another. I'm so grateful for the work I've done and I can't wait to have another shared experience just like it. I love that share for a number of reasons, and one of them is that the pure joy of connecting with another human being is one of the reasons life is worth living. And I really, really love hearing these stories, particularly for people who haven't had a lot of that kind of connection in their life. To. To see that come in and to see the continued opening and the continued growth and the continued transformation is part of why I do the work that I do. And I'm deeply, deeply inspired. So thank you for sharing that you know who you are, and I look forward to hearing many more stories like that in the hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode with Jason. A Jason episode.
Jason Lange: Yay. Excited to be back.
Melanie Curtin: This is an episode on a pattern that we've noticed in clients and some of our other sort of mentor healer type friends have also noticed and we've been talking a little bit about which is a polarity between nice guys and volatile women. And when we say nice guys here, we're talking mostly about sort of the nice guy syndrome that we've discussed on other podcasts and the sort of. We've shared this before as well. But there is a tendency for all of us to attract our reciprocal. And so there's a. There's an adage that if you want to attract a healthy partner, get as healthy as you can. Right yourself. So work on yourself and become as healthy as you can. And that is what is going to attract a healthy partner more than looking for a healthy partner.
Jason Lange: Right.
Jason Lange: I'll just close out with. In, you know, how we created our program, this is what I tell guys as I talk to them on our calls, is there's. There's the three elements which we're really speaking to here that are foundational and I think something unique about how you and I work that not every program does of. We have the coaching, the accountability, the mentorship. So someone who's trained and farther along the path, us, so to speak, community. The other men who you get so much connection and hope and feedback from and then the training, which is, okay, what are the actual things I have to do with my body, mind and my speaking up and boundaries and all that. And when you have all three, all three, change can really happen. And it's not the ephemeral weekend workshop change. It's the long lasting, structural, resilient change of like, okay, yeah, this is a process. And what I've noticed and why we have these three things is that's what it took for me, right, when I had all three of those things. Ah, then my life actually started to change when I was just reading books and trying to do stuff on my own. I never changed. Like, that's the honest truth. I needed all three and then, wow, my life really transformed and the lives of our men really do as well.
Melanie Curtin: So we're going to start to wrap up here and I will drop many of the resources that we mentioned in the show Notes, Stop Walking on Eggshells and a few of the other episodes that are relevant to this. There's one specifically about BPD if you've not heard of it before, and also about specifically about Nice Guy Syndrome. If you are interested in working with us, you can go to Evolutionary Men Apply and you'll find everything that you need there. And if you would like to support the podcast and also be involved in live monthly Q&As with me, you can always join our Patreon. Just Google Patreon Dear Men podcast. It'll come up right away. And if you join at a $10 a month level or more, you will get access to our live Q&As. And you know, speaking of transformation, we are in a cycle of winter right at the moment we just passed the solstice and we're moving into winter. And there is a sense of allowing old things to fall away and composting them, right. There's a period of time when things go dark. All of the leaves fall off the trees. There's darkness. There is. It can look very bleak. And I think that's that, that is a period that a lot of our men have gone through in this pattern that we're talking about of really going into that right. Of the, the allowing, the boundary setting and the allowing and the falling away and the, the fear and the darkness and the, the, the death cycle that that can be. But going through that with others, not being alone in that is the difference between making it and having and getting stuck there, I guess, is I just want to give some love and appreciation to all of you that we have worked with who have been there for others through this, through the darkness, through the dark periods. And if you are someone who is in a dark period right now, just to know that it doesn't last forever and that it is possible to compost what is happening and to come out stronger and brighter and with more resilience and more hope and at a higher level. Right. At an upgraded level, I think that's really what, what we do when we compost the old that isn't working in our lives is we actually graduate to a new level of awareness and of consciousness and there's a lot of joy to be had there. So wanted to, to end with that and we will see you next.
