During my conversation with Melanie Curtin on her podcast Dear Men, there was this moment where I found myself describing what I call "invisible loneliness" , that specific kind of isolation where a man can be at a dinner party, laughing with friends, even lying next to his partner in bed, and still feel completely alone. The silence that followed told me we'd hit something real, something that's quietly eating away at more men than we want to admit.
One thing I wanted to call out is what I call the myth of the lone wolf. There's this image in men's culture of the rugged individual who doesn't need anybody, right? The guy who just does his own thing, totally self-sufficient. Sounds powerful. But here's the thing: in actual wolf packs, a lone wolf isn't some badass rogue. It's a wolf that got kicked out of its community. And those wolves don't do well. They die faster.
We talked about how men will often stay in relationships that aren't working, sometimes even abusive ones, because they're terrified of being alone. Without other solid connections in their lives, it becomes this binary choice: either stay with this person who isn't right for me, or face complete isolation. That's a brutal position to be in.
Covid accelerated all this, but it was already happening. The way our culture is structured, especially here in the US, everything pushes us toward isolation. We're in our cars, in our houses, on our phones. We think we're connected because we're scrolling social media, but that's empty calories. It doesn't do for our nervous system what being face to face with another human being does.
The good news is it doesn't take a massive social circle to shift this. Just a few solid connections, guys you can actually go deep with, can change everything. If you're feeling this and want some support navigating it, check out my work at evolutionarymen.com.
