There's this moment Melanie Curtin and I unpacked on the Dear Men podcast where a guy sees a woman he's attracted to, his heart starts racing, and then within seconds this voice kicks in telling him he's not good enough, not experienced enough, not worthy enough to even try. We talked about how that single moment of self-sabotage becomes the template for how so many men navigate attraction and connection.
We went deep on where this shame and self-loathing actually comes from. For me, it showed up as "I don't have enough experience" or "Why would she want me?" And the brutal thing is, it doesn't just stop you from approaching, it stops you from even considering that something might be possible. It's this self-made blockade that creates all these arrows of regret that guys carry for decades.
What really struck me in this conversation was talking about how shame operates like poison you're willingly holding in your body. And here's the thing, you can't heal it alone because it was created in relationship. Those external voices we heard as kids became our internal reality, and we often don't even remember where they came from until we start doing the work to trace it back.
Melanie and I also got into how this pattern doesn't just show up in dating. It shows up everywhere. In your career, your ability to ask for what you need, even the relationships you stay in way too long because some part of you believes you don't deserve better. The men's work piece is so critical here because there's something about being held by other guys, seeing yourself reflected back differently, that starts to rewire the whole system.
If you're feeling stuck in this pattern, whether it's keeping you from approaching women or keeping you in situations that aren't serving you, reach out. This is exactly the kind of work we do in our groups at Evolutionary Men.
