Here's the counterintuitive truth that marriage counselors won't tell you: your instinct to love your partner the way you want to be loved is actually sabotaging your relationship. I discovered this firsthand in my conversation with Melanie Curtin on Dear Men about love languages, where we unpacked how our default ways of giving love often create disconnection rather than the intimacy we're desperately trying to build.
For me, words of affection and quality time just don't land the same way physical touch and acts of service do. But my wife Violet? Words of affection are everything for her. That's been one of our biggest learning edges. I can reorganize the entire pantry, handle all the tech stuff, clean up bags of dog poop before she has to deal with it, and while she notices and appreciates it, it doesn't quite fill her tank the way a genuine compliment does. Meanwhile, I have to actively practice remembering to share those words with her, even when I'm thinking them. It's like the thought goes through my head and I forget to actually say it out loud.
We also talked about the deeper work underneath all this, the attunement piece. The most meaningful expressions of love, whether it's gifts, touch, or time, come from actually tracking your partner. Remembering that one thing they mentioned months ago. Noticing what lights them up. That's what makes a $5 bar of chocolate more powerful than some generic romantic gesture.
The real pattern I've noticed in our relationship is that most of our conflicts trace back to me being checked out and not present. That accumulated disconnect starts showing up as nitpicky stuff until it gets big enough that I wake up and show back up. That's our dance.
If you're working on deepening presence and connection in your own relationship, or you want support with your masculine energy and how you show up with women, check out my work at evolutionarymen.com.
