There's a moment in every man's life where he looks around his own home and realizes he's living like a stranger. The woman he married feels miles away, the bedroom has become a wasteland, and he's carrying the weight of trying to save something that feels like it's already over. I had a powerful conversation with Melanie Curtin on her show Dear Men about what happens when relationships reach this breaking point, exploring that suffocating feeling of being stuck in a marriage where sex has disappeared, where you're alone in wanting to grow, and where you're not even sure if your partner cares about making it work anymore.
One thing that really stands out to me is how many guys normalize their pain. They'll tell themselves it's not a big deal that they haven't had sex in months, or that it's fine their partner refuses therapy again, or that constant walking on eggshells is just what marriage is. But here's the truth: when your relationship is a source of stress rather than a source of strength, that's a massive red flag. You're supposed to be on the same team, building resilience together to face the world.
I shared my own story of staying too long in a relationship where we both wanted each other to be different than we were. What finally got me out was dropping into my body and feeling the truth: I was preventing her from meeting someone who would love her exactly as she is, and I was abandoning myself in the process. Having a men's group during that time made all the difference. I started my group almost exactly a year before that breakup, and looking back, I think I knew I'd need that support.
We also got into the practical side, red flags to watch for: a partner who refuses to take any responsibility, therapist shopping when feedback gets real, or just this exhausting sense that you can never win. And here's what I tell guys: do the work on yourself first. Get really clear on your part, own your side of the court, show up fully for a real period of time. Then if she's still not willing to meet you, you'll know. You won't be haunted by that doubt of "should I have tried harder?" You'll know you gave it everything.
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Jason Lange: The gap between being growth oriented and not isn't always as deep because when we're young, we're all just kind of like, I don't know what's going on. So sometimes we'll get married to someone young before we've even identified that. Growing is an important value for me. And then discovering that throughout the relationship can be pretty hard.
Melanie Curtin: Hey, guys, welcome back to another episode of Dear Men. Love to have Jason on. Always love the Jason episodes. Thanks for being here.
Jason Lange: Hello.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. So today's topic is ripped straight from the headlines of our group, of our coaching group. And it has to do with how do you know when it's time to end the relationship? And for this episode, we're really focusing on marriages. So long term, committed relationships, including those where children are involved. And I'm just going to put this out there right at the beginning. We recently recorded another episode called should you'd stay together for the Kids. And I really recommend, if you have children and this is relevant for you, that you also listen to that episode because it's almost like a part one, part two type thing. We're going to focus more on and everything in this episode. But I really, I do recommend that if you have children involved. So. Yeah. So one of the things that we've noticed is that we've talked to a lot of men and we have a lot of men that we, A lot of our clients are either in marriages right now that may have toxic dynamics or we get divorced men. Right. That have left women where the marriage was toxic in some form or another. And Jason, I'm wondering if you can just speak a little bit to the themes that you've seen in men in troubling relationships, specifically marriages, what are the kinds of things that they're struggling with?
Jason Lange: Right.
Melanie Curtin: It's like a reason that you're marrying this person. Often the sex is really hot at first and there's a lot going for the relationship. And then you get in and you're committed and things can change. And the reason I said that is because one thing I've noticed in the men we've worked with is the emotional experience of chasing. I'm chasing my wife. I'm like, I'm desperate for more Intimacy for physical or emotional. Not just sex, but it. Closeness. I'm desperate for closeness. And there's a desperation, like a. It's like. Like I'm. I'm trying to get this thing. Like, I'm desperately trying to get this thing. I'm leaning in. I'm reading books, I'm listening to podcasts. I'm doing all this stuff. I'm suggesting things. I'm. I'm trying, you know, and just getting shut down. Right. Repeatedly. Just the feeling of, like, she doesn't want to do that. She tells me it's too heavy. I don't want to talk about stuff like that. Or she'll just literally turn away. She literally won't talk about it, which is called stonewalling, which more than one of our men have experienced from their wife, which is a very effective way of shutting down discussion. I just do not talk about that, which means we do not talk about it. Because I'm half of the partnership, so if I choose, we don't talk about that. Well, then that's it. There's no discussion around it. And. And I'm wondering if you can speak a little to what you've witnessed in. In our men around that feeling, the emotional experience of chasing and what it feels like to be shut down repeatedly.
Jason Lange: Yeah, I mean, I think 1. Just take it back to what I came in with. One important place this shows up is. Is just sex. And that one really painful area I've seen a lot of our guys come to terms with is the ways they try to minimize that, like, oh, it's not a big deal, or kind of try to normalize that we're not having sex anymore or something. Right. Oh, because she. She doesn't feel it or she doesn't trust me. There's trauma or there's all kinds of reasons, but there's a way to, like.
Melanie Curtin: There'S more than just sex to a relationship. It's not the only thing that's important.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. And I think for a lot of those men, it's like, I got out of jail. There's an experience of like I was in jail and I'm out of jail and life is just better outside of that particular prison. It's, you know, it's not everything's peaches and cream, but it is an experience of wow, that was a relief. Your nervous system gets a chance to kind of relax and it's not on all the time trying to manage this relationship or this, that exhaustion you talked about, all of that stuff, removing that from your life really gives you a chance to heal and grow. Because when you're just in flight all the time, your body really can't do a lot. It doesn't have a lot of resources for growth. It's just trying to get by. It's just trying to survive.
Jason Lange: Next thing, next thing, next thing, next crisis, next crisis, next crisis. Very little resource for like, where am I going with my life? What nourishes me? What do we care about? Like, all of that is offline. Generally when couples are in this kind of war zone, as I'd say of the fight or flight or constant threats, you know, just the things that we're not meant to be in long term, particularly with our intimate partner.
Melanie Curtin: Exactly. So as we start to wrap up here, you know, usually I will direct men to our free training. But I think for this conversation, if you're resonating with this and you just want to reach out directly and you want to talk to one of us, you should just email me@dearmen podcastmail.com and we'll set up a call for you. Because this is a bit more of a vulnerable space and I just, I kind of want to just make it direct. If you're interested in talking to us, you can do that. And is there anything else that you would want to leave listeners with in terms of this topic? I would also just reiterate that we really didn't talk about the kids angle in this podcast. And if you do have children, and that's a very central concern for you, I would listen to the other episode called should we stay together for the Kids?
