Most men think they're being helpful when they rush to fix their partner's emotions, but here's what I've learned after years of working with couples: that impulse to immediately soothe, explain, or defend is actually what kills intimacy. I explored this counterintuitive truth recently on Melanie Curtin's podcast Dear Men, diving into why so many of us are genuinely afraid of our partner's emotions and what that fear costs us.
This isn't about tolerating abuse or letting anything go. It's about healthy relationships where there's real connection and some capacity to argue fairly. What I've noticed, both in my own marriage and working with men, is how often we contract when our partner gets upset with us. We immediately want to fix it, explain ourselves, or defend against the discomfort. But that's actually not what creates closeness.
The thing is, emotions just need to move. They need to be felt and expressed. And when we can welcome that full range in our partner, when we can stay present with her anger or disappointment without collapsing or getting defensive, that's often experienced as love. It's like saying: I want all of you. Don't hold back from me.
To do this, you have to get comfortable with that range in yourself first. If you're avoiding your own grief or anger, you're going to be resistant to it in your partner. That's where men's work comes in. Being in deep containers with other men where you can experience that full emotional range without the relationship stakes helps build that capacity. You get tempered by it.
Mel and I also talked about the difference between healthy storm and unhealthy patterns, how to receive feedback without personalizing everything, and why doing this work in real time matters so much more than letting things build up.
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Jason Lange: The energy just needs to move. Like, it just needs to move. There's. You don't actually even have to fix it or defend yourself, but just, like, be with it. And what I've certainly found is that the ability to just be with that and welcome that part of her is often experienced as love.
Melanie Curtin: Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Dear Men. This one is a long time coming and I think can be a source of either a lot of contention within a relationship or a lot of peace and space and growth. So I'm delighted to welcome Jason back to the podcast. Thanks for practically being my co host.
Jason Lange: Hey, always glad to be here.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah.
Jason Lange: Just ride it out. And then on the other side, we're often feel. You know, my partner and I often feel much closer to each other, even if it was vulnerable, even if one of us is like, oh, my God, I can't believe I just shared that. Or like, like, this is really hard for me to share that I'm actually really mad at you or something like that. But always when the other person's still there on the other side, there's like a deepening trust. Like, oh, I don't have to hold all that back or manage all that. Like, what you were sharing, I think, is, you know, guys, what Mel shared is like, rewind and listen to that. Because every time if you're in a relationship and a woman's having that experience, she's having to shut down the flow of her heart and her emotions, which means she's like putting her masculine on to protect herself.
Melanie Curtin: Yes.
Jason Lange: Because she doesn't trust that you can. She can just surrender. And that has an energetic cost. Doesn't mean you have to do it all the time. Doesn't mean there's not unhealthy versions of that. But know that that is an actual thing a lot of women have learned to have to do. Because men were not comfortable holding their emotions, did not welcome them or gaslit them about situation. There's all kinds of ways guys will avoid that full spectrum of emotions in the feminine. And, you know, sometimes we'll have guys we work with who, you know, and I get it. Again, we're the masculine. We want peace. Secretly hope that that's all gonna stop. But to just know that, yeah, that's kind of part of the game of being in the relationship with a feminine woman or a feminine partner of any kind. It's just that there's gonna be change, there's gonna be a range, there's gonna be ups and downs. And instead of trying to get rid of that, it's like, okay, let's learn to surf together. Like, let's invite that. Let's use this as a way to get closer to each other.
Melanie Curtin: It kind of reminds me of. I was born on St. Thomas in the U.S. virgin Islands, and we had hurricanes. That was part of my life Growing up, and I remember when we would prep for hurricanes, part of the strength of our building, the building that we lived in, was that there were no walls through the middle of it. So there was a staircase, and it was all metal, but it was open. So when the wind would come, there wasn't a wall for it to push against. It would just flow through the building. And of course, there were parts that had. But even in our bathroom, the top half of our bathroom was grill. So it. So in hurricanes, the wind would blow through the grill, and it actually had the building be stronger because there wasn't all of that force that it was resisting. And it feels that way of, you know, in its small moments. You know, I'm picturing, like, a couple out at dinner, and he looks at another woman, and she. And her feelings are hurt, and she shuts down, and he's like, what are you, moody again? Like, that's not welcoming of emotion. For example. It's like, hey, it feels like something's going on. What's. What's up in that moment. That's the moment where she can say, I'm really embarrassed. It's so small. Like, I just. I feel really stupid about it. It's like, well, I want to know, you know, what happened. Like, you looked at that woman, and my feelings were hurt. Like, oh, I hear you like being with it. And there's a cooperative effect in that exchange because there's her shutdown, there's him being attuned enough to notice it and ask about it, and her willingness to actually show her heart. And I think that's the part that, you know, I'm remembering a guy friend of mine where we. It was like New Year's Eve, and we were all going around sharing or something, and I felt like he wasn't taking it seriously. And I felt really, like, shut down because I was sort of leading this circle or something. He wasn't taking it seriously. And I held onto this for, like, a week. And I started, like, acting different around him. And I remember going into his room and being like, listen, I. I've been weird with you for, like, a week because this little thing happened on New Year's Eve, and I want to tell you about it, but I'm a little scared. And I said, this is so small. This is so small. But, like, I just felt like you were, like, not taking it seriously. And I felt kind of, like, bad. And he was like. He kind of got defensive. Like, he kind of got defensive. He was like, well, no, like, that wasn't that big a deal or. I don't remember what he said. What I remember was I shrank. That's what I remember. I remember shrinking. I remember feeling small and, like, vulnerable and like, whoa. Like, that was a bad experience. I was like, I don't know that I would tell him again if my feelings were hurt. It was such a. Such a classic moment, in a way, because it was like, that was so scary and vulnerable for me to even go into his room and be like, hey, I've been acting weird around you, and I wanted you to know why and, like, kind of, like, masculine up to, like, share. Because I was like, I don't really want to live like this. Like, I. We've had a good friendship so far, and I really like being your friend, so. But that moment, I was like, man, this is why people don't share. Because that was so hard for me to say, because exactly what you said, it's like, I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed. I was like, I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't have gotten my feelings hurt. I shouldn't have felt this way. Which is silly in the end, because we can't really control emotions. We can control what we do with them. We can control how we express them, but we can't control our feelings getting hurt. It's a thing that happens in our bodies. It's. It's a trigger point. Something about that moment had me feel ignored or whatever. It was the original moment at the party. And so I feel like, in that, you know, welcoming of emotions, like, are you scared of her emotions? I think for a lot of men, it's like they're scared of being criticized. I'm scared of her emotions because I'm scared that she's saying, you're bad. You did something bad. You did something wrong. And I think that's what that man heard in that moment. What he heard was, you fucked it up. You fucked it up on New Year's Eve. Just like you always fuck it up, or whatever he was told as a kid. I don't know what the hell it was, but it's like the interpreter, right? It's like, what I said was, my feelings were hurt about this thing. And what he heard was, you're a bad kid. You're bad, and what you did was bad, which is not what I said. And so I think that's a common dance of, like, there's what I'm sharing, and then there's how you're interpreting it. And I think a lot of men immediately interpret Emotions especially, I'm disappointed, I'm angry, I'm upset as I'm bad.
Jason Lange: And when I did something wrong or.
Melanie Curtin: I'm not good enough, and therefore I'm. Somehow it usually gets back to like, I'm bad.
Melanie Curtin: Like, if a woman keeps saying, well, you know, I mean, can you give an example of that? Because you've been.
Jason Lange: Oh, you never. X. Okay.
Melanie Curtin: You never listen.
Jason Lange: You never. One thing, right?
Melanie Curtin: That would.
Jason Lange: That would be one thing. Or you always. Right when it becomes these.
Melanie Curtin: Like, you're always on your phone. Never listen. You're always on your phone.
Jason Lange: Those things are hard. Um, the other things is, you know, I've talked about before to notice of when it's oriented from the past versus the present. So when we're being attacked for things that already happened over and over and over.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah, yeah. But.
Jason Lange: But. But I still remember you left me there and you never showed up or you dropped the thing or you told her X. And if that keeps coming back, that. That's. That's really. It's kind of unwinnable in a lot.
Melanie Curtin: Of ways because that's different from. I feel really missed right now.
Melanie Curtin: Because I spent.
Jason Lange: But the more free both partners are.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah.
Melanie Curtin: Yes. I've realized that I feel like in a partnership, in a relationship, the only people I truly trust are the ones that I can get mad at. And I can count on one hand the number of people in my life I feel like I can get mad at. Because I feel like for the others, I'm like, if I get mad at them, they will withdraw. They will withdraw. Like, they will either withdraw in the moment or over time, but they will leave. And I don't think I'm wrong about some of them. Like, I might be wrong about others. I'm like, I'm pretty attuned. I think. I know. You know, anyway. And I want to go back to what you said about how a Man gets there. How does he get there? How does he become not afraid? Because so many men are afraid. And pretending you're not afraid, definitely not going to help. Yeah, like owning, like. Yeah, I'm afraid of that. Of emotional moments and, you know, highly emotional partners. How does a man expand his capacity in the way that you're describing? Because I have some thoughts, but I'd be curious. You know, in your journey.
Jason Lange: Yeah, you gotta go there yourself. So first and foremost, you gotta know every corner of your emotional body and your experiences and what you avoid in yourself, what you're uncomfortable in yourself. So going there in skilled containers with safe leadership is super important. So just getting more in touch with your emotions, not being afraid of your emotions. Right. That's step one. For some guys, that's a big deal. Other guys, you know, that's more on tap. So it's a little different for everyone. The other thing I would say is particularly that the unique energy of, like. Yeah, you know, I think this was part of what we were talking about on a call that kind of inspired. This was like. There's almost like an excitement, like a welcoming, like a wanting, like, come on, you know, like, calling the bull on, like, let's do this. And for me, the first place I've ever experienced that and where. I mean, I just relish that the most, which then makes it easier to bring that into relationship, is when I'm doing deep work with other men. And there is no. You know, we're not in an intimate relationship, so there's no, like, there's. There's none of that extra stuff added on. So I get to just be with the experience of when a man is fully bringing it and expressing himself and when he's not and getting to feel the difference and getting the sense of how much more free we both are. When both people play full out, there's like a. Afterwards, there's like, fuck, yeah, man, you really went for it. Like. Like, usually, you know, doing that kind of work, a lot of times, you know, most guys will be like, I could have taken more. Like, you bring more of that anger, more of that rage, more of that sadness, more of that grief. And there's like a. Just a beautiful kind of bonding thing I've certainly gone through with other men. And they've welcomed it from me. I've welcomed it from then. And there's literally just kind of being in the heat of that and not totally personalizing it kind of develops a little bit of capacity, at least in me, that then makes it easier to bring into somewhere where I do really care about the container and the arrangement and the feelings and the, you know, the commitment we have to each other. So. But it's almost like I'm kind of tempered, you know, like steel's tempered in fire. There's, like, a little bit of getting tempered in those. Those big emotions and not being afraid of them and seeing how much space there can be for both people on the other side and knowing that's something I want to bring to my partner and to myself.
Melanie Curtin: Well, what's interesting about what you're describing is, you know, let's say you're at a men's. At a shadow weekend, or you're with a man and he's expressing rage about his alcoholic dad and all this shit that he's never been able to say. And he's expressing. And you're like, bring it even more. Bring all. Bring all of it. Bring all of it. He's expressing this very real thing for him, and you're receiving it, and it has nothing to do with you. This has been my experience repeatedly with men in relationship. When I'm upset about work or I'm enraged because of something my girlfriend did, or I'm, you know, I'm upset, he can handle my upset. He can welcome my emotion, as long as it's not about him. Soon as it's something he did, like, I felt really dropped when you didn't call me, he gets defensive, he shuts down. He pulls all of these other maneuvers that it becomes really confusing to sort through because he has been there so much for me in the past. I'm like, this is really confusing. You have been able to handle my emotion, but as soon as it's about him, it's a totally different ball game. And what you're describing is. And some of what you're describing, I would imagine, does have to do with the group. If you're in a men's group that's solid and trusted, shit's gonna come up within the men's group. Like, a guy's gonna be pissed at another guy. Like, you know, that's super valuable because that tempers you in a different way. Right? Which is more what I'm talking about, which is. And this is kind of where I want to, you know, talk about at the moment is shame. Because I think that there's a shame response that happens when it's like, you said this thing and I felt shut down. And then immediately the guy's like, well, I didn't mean it that way. It's like all of this stuff happens around that instead of like, oh, I can see how that, yeah, I can see how that you would have felt shut down there or whatever the non defensive maneuver is. And that feels important in what I have experienced is distinguishing between a man can hold my emotions over here, but as soon as it's about him, there's a shit, there's an extra level of shame that's attached that makes it more complex.
Melanie Curtin: I think that's a big deal because what you're describing is repair. And it seems to me that in most family systems there is no repair. There's either rift or rupture. And then just time passes and we just pretend it didn't happen or there's some kind of weird dance around it. But there's not actually repair. So most of us have never experienced that. We've never actually gone through something hard, shared something hard, had the other person listen, actually hear us, and then still be connected. It's like either you stop being connected to people, or you just slowly shut off parts of yourself, which isn't what we're talking about. Like. Yeah, what you're describing is it's like a new way of relating for. Most people that I know and have worked with did not have healthy repair modeled for them in their homes. It was just not there. It wasn't there. So it's genuinely a new thing. And there's a level of safety and trust that is established when we can get to the other side of something. And it's like. To your point, it's like every time that happens, it's strengthening that bond because it's like, oh, wow, maybe we're not gonna be disconnected forever. Oh, maybe we're not going to be disconnected forever. I think that fear is always there of, like, if I bring my heart and I piss him off, he's going to leave or she's going to engulf me and I'm going to die or whatever. The. The little.
Jason Lange: She's mad at me right now, so. She's always going to be mad.
Melanie Curtin: She's always going to be mad at me. Yeah, exactly. It's like, that takes time to recover from. That takes time to believe there's another path. Even when you've repaired six times, like, it's maybe going to take 60 times before your body is actually like, okay, I truly trust that I don't have to be perfect with this person. I trust that we will be able to do this. That's a big deal and not something that happens quickly.
Jason Lange: To me, that's true love built. Right. It's. It's not the falling in love. It's something we've, like, weaved. Like, we're literally weaving a connection between us, so every tension that we mend actually weaves it stronger. Like, we become closer in that process. And that. That does take time. That takes commitment, and that takes space for mistakes on both sides.
Melanie Curtin: Yes. Including sexually, I think 100%. Yeah, we're.
Jason Lange: I mean, we could have a whole conversation totally around really important, this capacity in sex. Totally.
Melanie Curtin: The version of me that I am around a man where I don't feel safe to express myself is much smaller. And I'm the same woman. I'm technically the same woman, but that guy's not getting the same woman. As a fully, radiantly expressed, joyous, you know, where I feel. When I feel like I can be angry and sad and that's safe, you can bet that I'm gonna be radiantly, abundantly happy and expressed and joyful and want to give him a blowjob. Like, you know, it's like, oh, my God, I'm so free. Look at how free I am. Look at my feminine. This is so exciting because I got to do difficulty with you and you didn't fucking leave. You actually showed up and you were really present. You were there, not just physically in the room, but checked out, like, genuinely there. Like, that's. That's going to have an effect on the other side. There's a ton of energy that's, you know, bound up, that gets to be expressed and released in a, you know, feminine way. So, yeah, as we wrap up, if you are interested in our work with me and Jason, you can go and take our free training, which is a really good way of going deeper than the podcast. If you've been listening for a while and wanting to go a little bit.
Jason Lange: Deeper, you can go to Evolutionary Men Slash Training.
Melanie Curtin: Evolutionary Men Slash Training.
