There's a moment on Melanie Curtin's podcast where I found myself talking about watching my parents' marriage slowly die over decades, and how that shaped everything I thought I knew about love and commitment. We were diving deep into one of the most brutal questions men face: Should you stay together for the kids?
This hits close to home for me. My parents waited until I was in college to split. Those lost years in their 40s and 50s, what they could have had with partners who were actually lit up about them, that grief stays with me. And here's what I never got growing up: I never saw what love actually looked like between two people. No affection, no flirting, just two people doing their roles. Mom takes care of the house, Dad earns money, that should be enough. Except it wasn't.
That pattern still runs through my nervous system. I have to consciously work against it to show up present and affectionate with my wife and daughter. It's not my first impulse because I never saw it modeled. That's what kids absorb when you stay in a dead relationship for their sake.
We talked about the real costs on both sides. Yes, splitting up creates friction with holidays and coordination. But staying in a relationship without connection or intimacy? Your kids are soaking that up too. They're learning that relationships are something you just endure, that passion doesn't matter, that your needs don't matter. And here's what I've seen over and over with the men I work with: when they finally make the choice to leave and create a life with actual vitality, their kids often prefer being with them. They're getting their dad's essence in a way they never did before.
One thing that can help if you're wrestling with this: try going all in first. Set a container of three to six months where you take leaving off the table completely. Take 100% responsibility for your part, really lead your partner through counseling or whatever you need to try. Then you'll know. You'll have that cleanness in your heart that you really did everything possible. And that clarity makes all the difference.
If you're in this situation and need men who get it to talk it through with, that's exactly what we create in our groups and coaching. You don't have to figure this out alone. Check out evolutionarymen.apply to see if working together makes sense.
