There's a moment in every man's life where he realizes he's been lying to himself about being "just friends" with someone he's attracted to. I got to join Melanie on her show to talk about something that comes up constantly with the guys I work with: Should you stay friends with a woman you're attracted to who doesn't feel the same way? Or with an ex?
For me personally, it just never really worked. I'd think I was over it, but then every interaction was like ripping off a band aid. She'd say something casual like "are you free Saturday?" and suddenly my whole week would orient around that possibility. My attention, my energy, everything would funnel into this almost-relationship that was keeping me from actually being available for what I really wanted.
We got into the nice guy patterns behind this. The "I'm not that guy who just wants sex" identity. The covert contracts where you prove you're different by staying friends, hoping she'll eventually come around. The should of "I should be able to just get over my feelings." And for guys without solid male friendship, sometimes these almost-relationships are the only place they feel safe being emotional.
Here's what I challenge guys on. Would you really be investing this much energy in the friendship if you weren't attracted to her? It's an uncomfortable question. But if the answer is no, then you're not actually honoring yourself. You're settling for emotional connection when what you really want is emotional AND sexual intimacy. That's not wrong. That's actually what most of us want in partnership.
The aikido move is taking all that energy you've been pouring into the almost-relationship and investing it back into yourself. Build the life that's right for you, independently. Get connected to other men. And give yourself permission. It's okay to not stay friends with her. It doesn't make you a bad person.
If you're dealing with this pattern and want support, check out my work at evolutionarymen.com.
