One of the biggest struggles I see with many of the men I work with around dating & relationships is with their sexuality. Many of us nice guys have no desire to be “one of those guys” that’s just out to get sex.

As a result, we’ll be uncomfortable with our sexuality, and withdraw that energy from women we’re interested in. This is a pattern I’ve been intimately familiar with myself, and one I’ve seen time and time again with men I work with. It’s often at the root of when a guy repeatedly gets told by women he’s gone out with that “they’re just not feeling it”, “don’t think of you in that way”, or “just want to be friends”. Withholding our desire is a sure-fire way to guarantee interactions with women we’re attracted to come off as being flat and safe in a way that rarely sparks a potential partner’s heart. Often times this energy can be so repressed that we don’t even flirt, and women we like don’t even know we’re interested in them, and are surprised when we ask them out, or try to make a move.

Here’s the good news, if you’re worried about a women’s experience, don’t want to make her uncomfortable, and are interested in really knowing her, you’re already not one of those guys and you probably need to recalibrate your connection to your sexuality more than you realize.

Male sexuality is most dangerous when it’s CUT OFF FROM THE HEART. The pursuit of sexual gratification without regard for a woman’s wellbeing or feeling state is at the root what we label the macho jerk, who we do everything in our power to not be like. Women are not objects, and they don’t owe us anything just because we’re men. They have their own wants, needs, and desires that are sometimes in alignment with ours, and sometimes not. A man that’s aware of his own heart and emotional body can attune to a woman’s, allowing him to see her as whole human being, and not just an object.

Our “calibration” to sharing our desire as nice guys can often be so out of whack that we’ll withhold sharing ANY flirtatious or sexual energy even when it’s there! This is what can often lead to the “creepy energy” many women experience with men. This kind of creepy is the result of a man not owning his sexuality and desire, which means it often comes out sideways. Awkward glances across the room, leaning in a bit too close at the wrong time, and seeming somehow un-trustable even though they’re a “nice guy” – are all manifestations of this creepy energy.

One of the most important things you can do as a man of integrity, is come into right relationship with your desire. It is not something to be shameful of, in fact, I’d challenge you to reframe it as a gift. When shared with an open and vulnerable heart, attuned to the woman you’re with, presencing your attraction and desire in an integrated and embodied way can be a truly wonderful gift. We all have a part of us that longs to be seen, appreciated, and noticed. For most of us men, being in the presence of a beautiful woman can immediately impact our systems, bringing a spark of energy and vitality to the moment. This is the feminine gift to us.

Reflecting back to a woman how she’s impacting us is a way to honor her gift, and in that reflection we can offer her back our own energy, which can literally light her up when done in an authentic way! A key component of sharing our desire as a gift is that it must be done expecting nothing in return (or it wouldn’t be a gift!).

Thus truly sharing desire in wholistic way is a very vulnerable act for both men and for women. So vulnerable, in fact, that some men straight up can’t deal with the possibility that it might not be reciprocated, which can quickly become pathological. It’s those men who aren’t secure enough to share their desire vulnerably that end up hurting women the most. Whether it be by physical force, exploiting job hierarchies in the workplace, or using their spiritual dynamism, we’ve had hundreds of thousands of years of examples of what this leads to. Last years #metoo movement marked a significant and important line in the sand for to end this pathological sexuality.

We are now being called forth to not throw out the baby with the bathwater, and to come into right relationship with our sexuality as men. Until we can do that, we’ll continue to associate it with shame, which all women we interact with will feel, and will cause them to not trust us or our desire.

When you change your relationship to your sexuality and learn to integrate it completely, you’ll have an open flow between the three energy centers of your body (head/thoughts, heart/feelings, guts/sexuality/doing), allowing you to be fully present in the moment and to share your desire in a way that will feel good to the woman you’re with.

If you’re ready to rewire your relationship to your sexuality and connect with women more profoundly, let’s talk. I have a few Discovery Session Calls open in the next few days. During our session, you’ll get total clarity on what’s holding you back in your relating with women. If it feels like a good fit for us to work together, I’ll share more about my powerful dating program for men. If not, you’ll have a much better roadmap for moving forward in your love life. Everyone wins.

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