Welcome back. This week I want to talk to you about something that really impacts intimate relationships for men.

So for the last couple years, I've been coaching guys on how to get into relationships, create thriving relationships, have the dating experiences they want. Things that were for me very painful growing up until I got into this work. And part of what led me into this work and in part of what I work with guys in my community and my coaching around is this idea of taking responsibility for nourishing themselves and filling their bucket and learning to handle their own emotional experience.

And a lot of these concepts apply no matter what you're interested in and what kind of relationship you want to create. But essentially for us guys, one of the big mistakes a lot of men make in the lone wolf culture of the masculine is relying on their partner, their intimate partner, for their sense of well being. That is, I'm only okay as long as they are thinking well of me.

Now, I know that may sound overly simplistic, but it's really easy trap to fall into as men. That part of me is only okay, only feels good, only feels relaxed, only feels in approval of myself, is if my partner's approving of me. Now, that can have disastrous results, particularly when dating a feminine partner. If you're wanting to hold the masculine energy in the relationship, and now again, in any relationship, whether you're man or woman, you're going to have both energies inside of you.

But generally, most relationships that work out, one person prefers one and one person prefers the other. And it's not just tied to your sex. It can be completely independent of the genitalia you were born with, what your energetic home is. Now, if you're wanting to hold the masculine in relationship, meaning you're wanting to attract and are attracted to feminine partners, if your emotional well being rides on their experience of you, they're going to have a really hard time relaxing and trusting you.

They're going to have a really hard time relaxing and trusting you. Because how can they relax into themselves if the way they experience you in the moment is negative? Right? If they don't like you or don't like something you did or aren't feeling well, and your emotional well being depends on them thinking of you positively or how connected to you they feel, that's going to alter their behavior.

So they're not going to relax, they're not going to be able to fully open their heart and they're going to be holding a part of themselves that's going to impact the relationship, that's going to impact how attracted they are to you. Now, I see this show up in a lot of guys I work with. I'm a nice guy. I tend to work with nice guys. I've been mentored by no more Mr. Nice Guy himself, Robert Glover. And one of the big traps a lot of guys fall into, particularly guys that are dating women, is trying to get their partner to meet their needs, both as a lover and a mother.

Now, what I like to tell my guys is bring your neediness. Bring your need for approval to your men, not to the woman you're trying to date or love. Bring it to your men. Let them feel that part of you. One of the great things we can do in men's group is hold space for each other's emotional mess where I can collapse, I don't have to hold it together.

And other men can help me sort and process my feelings so I can bring back to my partner that clarity, that deep knowing of what I'm experiencing and what I need and what I want. And she'll feel that. Women can feel it. When men are connected to other men and don't need them to feel good, don't need them to make them feel better, doesn't mean she's not going to want to love on you in a great relationship, doesn't mean she's not going to want to nourish you.

But you're actually going to get even more of that if you have other systems in place to take care of yourself when you're down. Other men who can hold you, other coaches and therapists and support in men's groups that can bring that loving presence to you, attune to you, and help bring you back to a solid state in yourself. Most of us guys just weren't taught how to do that for ourselves. And particularly if we had an anxious or an avoidant feminine mother figure in our life, we're constantly seeking that.

Right? This underlines a lot of what I see in many of the men I work with. Well, once I get a woman's approval, then I'll feel good. I'll finally feel okay. And if she's not approving of me, I feel in total chaos, totally dysregulated. Usually that starts pretty young inside of us. I know it did for me. I just totally withdrew. Withdrew into myself, withdrew from my needs, numbed out, disconnected.

Other men get extraordinarily anxious or uncomfortable, anxious attachment types out there in particular. Right. If she doesn't text back right away or she uses the wrong Emoji. Our whole nervous system can light up in fire. So it's up to you to create the community and skills to be able to take care of yourself and nourish yourself and regulate yourself. She can't give that to you.

She wants you to have those structures in place and then support and nourish those structures with you. She can't be the only one bringing that structure. It will turn her off. It will destroy her ability to trust you and to open to you energetically and sexually. She can't always be holding space for you. She doesn't want to just be your mom. Now, not all men do this, but if you're one who does, you probably know it.

Kind of waiting to get that fix, waiting to get that approval, not feeling okay. As long as there's tension in the relationship, if you're afraid of her disapproval, you can't lead her. You have to be willing to. To move through that, towards what you really want to create for the sake of both of you. A lot of men feel resistant to bringing their needs to other men.

Well, it's not quite the same as the feminine. It's not. It's true. There's a unique texture to masculine love that's different, though, because it often doesn't need anything from us. Just sees us and acknowledges us and supports us. When guys say to me, but it's not quite the same as the feminine. That's the part of them that's longing for the lover and the mother at the same time. She doesn't want to be your mother lover.

Most women don't. They're already taking care of kids. They're already handling their own emotions. They want you to be able to shepherd their emotions, not vice versa, and certainly not all the time. That's why it's so important for us guys to build up the capacity in tools to take care of ourselves, to nourish ourselves, to be able to make ourselves feel good in our bodies, to be able to feel good about our lives and the choices we're making.

Right. This idea of filling up our buckets from Dr. Glover, if she's the only thing that's filling my bucket of happiness again, I'm not going to be trustable because what if she has a half day? Then I totally tank. But if I've got my buckets full, if I'm taking care of myself physically, mentally, spiritually, I've men's groups, I've deep male friends. I'm working towards meaning and impact and service and purpose in my life.

To create a life that I feel great about, whether or not she's in it. I'd prefer her to be in it. Would love for her to be in it. She energizes the whole system, electrifies it, amplifies it. But she is not the structure of that system. She just brings the energy to it. We have to put in the time to create the life we want to live and know why a woman would want to be a part of it.

And we have to have structures in place so that when we're struggling, she's not our only mechanism for feeling good about ourselves, for feeling better, because ultimately that will lead to resentment and she will push you away unless you're looking for an extraordinarily codependent relationship, which I don't think you are. So it's super important to do this audit of your life.

What do I rely on to to make myself feel better? When have I relied on my current partner or my ex partners for my emotional well being? What other support structures do I have in my network that I can go to when I'm feeling off or I'm feeling down? Who can I lean on so I'm not just leaning on my intimate feminine partner.

I see it time and time again in men's groups when guys bring these vulnerable parts of themselves and they get air and they get support and sometimes they get challenge, they get clearer and then they bring back that clarity to the relational dynamics they're part of. And it always goes better. I know it does for me as a guy who's been married for a couple years now, now even more than other men in men's groups, ultimately the buck stops with you.

You're the one that has the greatest capacity to show up for yourself when you're just not feeling well. Like I've talked about before, oftentimes when we get triggered or collapse or feeling totally desolate, these are parts of ourselves, young wounded parts of ourselves, that we had abandoned or felt abandoned, that are crying for help. Now. Part of our responsibility as men is start to notice when those parts of ourselves become present in our nervous systems.

And for us to take the responsibility as the conscious adults we are, of bringing presence, love and attention to those hurting parts of ourselves. In the end, that's really the most consistent person you can rely on, is you. Now when you begin to develop that capacity and you're situated in a community of other men who can support you in that, who you can turn to, or you can melt around and you have the tools and the structure to know how to create the life you want to create.

It'll all change. She'll feel your freedom. She'll feel that your mood is not dependent on her mood, which gives her so much more opportunity to just open and be herself in the moment. And that's what so, so many feminine oriented women really want to be able to do. To just let go and let it flow and not have to be controlling or managing the thing we ask so many modern women to do.

So whether you're in relationship or not, one of the best things you can do to take charge is to take responsibility for your emotional health, well being and nourishment. And there's tools you can learn to help you do that for yourself as well as communities of other men you can get involved with that will also support you with that. I'd love to help you out if this is something you're wanting to transform.

You can check out a drop in men's group with me at Evolutionary Men events. And if you really want to go in, you can do my intensive men's group coaching program which you can learn about at Evolutionary Men webinar where there's a free training. Until next time.