Kryptonite for Men

All right, and welcome back. On today's episode, I want to talk about something that is almost always a massive source of pain for guys in a place we really create a lot of suffering for ourselves.

Kind of like to think of it as kryptonite for men. And it's a natural human tendency, but one that I think really becomes even more poignant and painful for so many guys. And it's really dead simple. It's just comparison. Comparing ourselves to particularly other men is almost always a source of great misery, great pain, and rarely, if ever, productive.

We do this in so many ways. Like a lot of things in life, we do it kind of on a spectrum. And what I mean by that is there's just kind of a simple, animal way we do it as guys, which is something we've all heard of before. Big dick comparison, right? The part of so many of us men that compare, literally compare our sex organs, our dicks, our penises with other men's.

What size am I? My average? Am I below average? Am I bigger than average? Lots of men have looked into that, right? Wanting to know kind of where they fall on that range and then often feeling inadequate if they're not a certain size or whatever. Now, not everyone does that, right? But that same energy surprisingly and shockingly, tends to show up throughout that spectrum where guys are comparing all aspects of their lives to other men's, and then if it doesn't match up, creating a lot of suffering for themselves.

You know, I'd say this has been particularly accentuated by social media and the way there's a curated, cultivated version of ourselves that we kind of put out there on these apps that often, you know, tend to be celebratory and not so much about the challenges or the difficulties on the inside, but we just see photos of people traveling or on business trips or on vacations with their spouses or girlfriends or having adventures, and we think, wow, that man's really got it figured out.

But usually that leads to a lot of pain because it's comparison. It's just once again, measuring the size of our dick against another man's. And what I've found in, what I've had to really push for in guys I work with is to just nip that in the bud to just say no, that is not fruitful, that is not productive. And it's almost always a type of, kind of almost self harm, right?

Where it makes us feel terrible and rarely does it get us closer to what we want. And I think it leads to some really important ideas that we get to explore as healthy men, a big one of which is just simply that we need to redefine success. And the real measure of a man's success is just leading the life wants to live, right?

The real measure of a man's success is being able to live the life we want to live, not the life we think is success based on comparison to other people. In the men's work I do, I tend to support a lot of men in clarifying their purpose. A big subject in life for so many guys, right? What am I here to do? And sometimes it's really powerful and useful for other guys.

It becomes a source of misery, right? Because if we start comparing ourselves to the purposes of other men, this whole paradigm can recreate itself. And one important thing, you know, I often like to illustrate is that your purpose doesn't have to look like anyone else's. Your purpose may be to surf with vitality and passion every day, and then you construct an entire life around that.

I know a lot of men out here in California that that's their truth. And on the outside, they may not have the typical markers of success, but they're leading the life they want to live, have control over their schedule, they have flexibility, waves come first. That's them on purpose, and that's really powerful. The only type of comparison that I've generally seen overall be fruitful and productive for most men is comparing ourselves to ourselves, right?

So instead of looking out at other men in our networks or jobs or friends lists, whatever it is, and then comparing ourselves, well, my life's here, their life's there. Their life's farther than mine, it must be better, whatever that might be. Instead it's where have I been, where am I now? And where am I going? That's really the one that matters the most.

And that's a fair one because nobody else has your story, nobody else has been on your journey. So you can really only compare yourself to you. And it's a useful practice that often we get a little too close to and we can't quite see the shifts and changes we've made. You know, one thing I say a lot to guys is our self image is almost always the last thing to change.

We may be showing up in the world creating different experiences, but often we won't even notice because it's so subtle. We don't see our own changes. Other people can often see them faster than us. And it takes a while for these rooted identities and thought patterns and beliefs about ourselves to really catch up to the fact that, oh, I am different, I am living my life differently, my life is different. Distance and time can often be one of the things to make that apparent.

And, you know, one phrase I heard once was that I always really loved is we tend to overestimate how much we can do and change in a year and underestimate how much we can do and change in five. Right? Slice and dice that however you want, but it's really just a matter of perspective. Usually with a little more time, we can see the shifts on the outside more. We can see the changes we've been embodying more by zooming out a little bit, right?

Where were you five years ago? Who were you five years ago? How were you showing up in the world then versus now? That is a fair comparison. That is something worth spending some time on. Just kind of looking out at other people in life, comparing yourself to them without knowing the details of their inner journey. Not such a good use of time.

Again, almost always just straight pain that so many of us guys choose. We choose. We choose that pain. By comparing ourselves to others, particularly other men, you get to define what success is in your life, what freedom is in your life. Nobody can tell you that. And so many guys that have gotten on the hamster wheel of their group culture, society for what's said to be success get there and discover, I'm still not happy, right?

I still don't feel successful because they haven't turned inward yet to really do the deep work of what do I truly want that no one else can tell me? What really involves me becoming more intimate with myself, my true heart's desires, my true heart's passions. It can be so liberating when we take success back, when we drop, get rid of that kryptonite of comparison and instead just focus on looking inward.

Where have I been? Where am I now? Where am I going? That's fair game. That's going to be useful for you. And that's really important for creating a life ultimately that's sustainable and nourishing. But every single time we compare ourselves to other men, we're almost inevitably just causing ourselves suffering. And here's the crazy thing.

Those same other people you're comparing yourselves to who often, like I said, because of Social media, we think, ah, they've got it all figured out. They're doing the exact same thing. They're comparing themselves to other men. Oh my God, he's got a bigger car than me. Or he's got a bigger house than me. So I need to work harder, get more, get a hotter girlfriend, whatever. This is a chronic condition for so many guys.

And when we drop it, when we discard that kryptonite, stop willingly carrying it and instead just focus on ourselves and our own path for really discovering and exploring and illuminating what success and freedom are in our lives. Something magical changes. We become more relaxed, more grounded, more able to move through the world with freedom because we know, we know we're on point for ourselves.

We know about the nuances of big leaps and small leaps and inner work and outer work that we've been doing that maybe not everyone can see. So I really recommend to you to just take note this week. Where do you compare yourselves in particular to other men? What is the impact of that on your heart, your body, your mind, day to day as you do that?

Why do you do that? Just notice. Take one week to notice. Maybe start a little journal and then take another week after that and just commit. I'm not going to hold this kryptonite. I don't need to compare myself to other men and see what the impact of that is. If you want to make a huge shift and stop seeing men as competition, but start connecting to other men as allies, check out one of my drop in men's groups at Evolutionary Men events.

Or check out my high end coaching program on dating and relationships at Evolutionary Men webinar. Till next time,